Some Words of Wisdom
- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
Some Words of Not So Much Wisdom
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
- Friday night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
- According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
- There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
- There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
- After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Take Two Punchlines and Call Me In the Morning
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."