Thursday Thirteen #43
13 things about Dane Bramage
13 MegaMetaSmithees Nominated Movies
OMG! Is it that time again?!! What time you ask? Why time for the sexo-annual MegaMetaSmithees Awards! (okay I made up the word sexo-annual but it is suppose to mean every six years.) Every year I sojourn to the state capitol for the annual Smithee Awards! There are 19 categories, each with five of the worst movies ever put on film as nominees. The audience views the clips and votes for the winner. Simple right. Well after five years of awards, the previous winners are pitted against each other. Talk about tough and too close to call! Anyway I thought I would share with you the names of 13 of the nominated films so you know what to avoid (or look for) in the video store! The clever writing utilized in the synopsis are by Bryan Cassidy and Kevin Hogan from the Smithee Awards site.
- Roller Blade Nominated in 5 categories The Holy Order of the Roller Blade is a group of roller-skating nuns whose holy symbol is a happy-face, in a post-apocalyptic world gone horribly, horribly wrong. Yet if this is so wrong, I don't want to be right. The nuns are opposed by a group of mutants lead by the evil Doctor Saticoy. The crisis points come when Doctor Saticoy steals the nuns' sacred power crystal, and kidnaps the Sheriff's son.
- Guns of El Chupacabra Nominated in 4 categories This movie is perhaps the apex of the art of movie-making known as "Zen Filmmaking." No scripts are used in Zen Filmmaking. The "spontaneous creative energy" [sound of Kevin retching] of the director is the only guiding principle. Keeping that in mind, the plot of this film resembles a railroad switching yard. The various plot elements are chugging along, like trains, all heading toward the same spot. And the viewer sits in semi-darkness, anticipating the sleight-of-hand that will occur when these plot elements converge. The train wreck is truly awesome.
- Deathsport Nominated in the "Wanna Run That By Me Again?" category In the far future, after the "Neutron Wars", humanity lives in two huge cities. The insane Lord Zirpola, leader of the city Tritan, has a new weapon that he intends to use against the inhabitants of his rival city, but first he wants to test it against some of the hardy Range Guides who strive to bring order to the blasted no-man's-land between the cities.
- Gymkata Nominated in the "Alas, Poor Yorick" category Jonathan Cabot (Kurt Thomas) is a world-class gymnast. His father disappeared into the country of Parmistan many years ago. Now it's been decided that the country is the perfect site for a "Star Wars" base. However, the only way The Khan will ever allow a base to be built is if it is requested by the victor of The Game (the national bloodsport). Kurt has to combine his gymnastics with ... um ... well, he utilizes his gymnastics to compete in The Game.
- Arcade Nominated in the "Deus Ex Machina" category Arcade is a video game. A really crappy video game, actually. And not just because it's evil. You lose, it gets your soul...and nobody's ever won. And the only way to stop it is for a girl who's no good at video games to go into the game and beat it from the inside
- The Angry Red Planet Nominated in 2 categories A rocketship returns from Mars with two crewmembers missing, a third suffering from a mysterious ailment, and all their magnetic data tapes erased. The government is in a race to discover what has happened, in an attempt to save the life of the stricken crewmember. The movie takes place in flashback, and in "Cinemagic" (i.e. "migraine vision") when on the surface of Mars.
- World without End Nominated in the "Stupidest-Looking Monster" category A group of astronauts returning from a Mars mission fly through an unexplained time warp and end up on a 26th Century Earth. They need to find their way home, if they can, or find a safe place to live, if they can't.
- Circuitry Man Nominated in the "Best One-Liner" catagory This is essentially a chase movie. Lori, a bodyguard, steals a case full of neuro-chips, and heads from LA to New York via the underground tunnels. Her companion is a pleasure android. They are being chased by a psychotic criminal named Plughead (Vernon Wells).
- House of Exorcism Nominated in the "Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw" category This is a very bizarre Italian film starring Telly Savalas and Elke Sommer. This film is to The Exorcist what Time of the Apes was supposed to be to Planet of the Apes, in other words, a poor-quality ripoff. Elke gets possessed and goes on this strange interior journey...or something. It's really hard to tell what. Maybe the demon is reminiscing about the past. Or not. I can't even figure out if Telly is supposed to be the Devil or just a creepy butler who collects life-sized dolls.
- Skyscraper Nominated in 2 categories Anna Nicole Smith is a helicopter pilot who discovers that one of the buildings she is making a delivery to has been taken hostage by terrorists. Similar to Die Hard, but with two very big differences.
- Zombie Lake Nominated in 4 categories During World War II, a group of Nazi soldiers was ambushed and drowned in a lake in France. Time passes, and the Nazis come back as zombies to terrorize the populace
- Warriors of the Apocalypse Nominated in the Worst Special Effect category A group of apocalyptic warriors follow a strange primitive man to his home territory, a "voodoo mountain" where people live forever. When they arrive, they find a paradise (complete with a bevy of bikini-clad young women). But, as always, something strange is going on, and the old guy ("Doc") just has to get to the bottom of it.
- Slaughter Nominated in the Acting Appropriately Stupid category It's blaxploitation at its finest. Slaughter's family was clipped by the Mob and now the Feds tell him where the remaining mobsters are hiding in Mexico, using the Badass Black to wipe them out.
The rest of the list is below the fold. Go to the end of the post and click "We want to read more!"
I am so looking forward to this award show. It is always a hoot. I was at the last MetamegaSmithees so I know. And guess what. They joked about a SupermegametaSmithee Awards show which will pit all the megametaSmithee winners against each other. Well now that is just a little more than a decade away. Who knows, we just might see it!
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