Thursday Thirteen #50
13 Things About Dane Bramage
13 Tortures for Women Whom I've Dated Because I'm NOT Bitter
Once upon a time, say fourteen and a half months ago I did my second Thursday Thirteen which was A List of 13 Lists of 13 Things in honor of the fact that that particular Thursday Thirteen was on the 13th of July. I had not planned to do most of the lists on that list but looking back I thought that some of them would actually make good lists. Well in keeping with the dark mood I have had of late and an inability to let go of the past, I have decided to do my torture list. These tortures are the results of real life dating situations. Oh sure the 13 Women Who Could Walk Barefoot Over My Face list would have been much more enjoyable but this list has to be done. Now I realize that most of the readers of Thursday Thirteen are women. So let me just say up front that I am not purposely trying to antagonize you. But if you find yourself listed as an offender then the corresponding torture is for you. Now these tortures are not the result of a single woman but from several whom I dated over the last seven years. Enjoy.
- Endless Date Torture I can't recall all of the times when I was told, "Oh this will just be an hour". Well the torture has the woman sitting through a boring situation for an hour. Only the clock runs slow, like 10 minutes for every 1 minute the clock shows.
- Does This Make Me Look Fat Torture Why do women even ask men this question? The torture is that the woman has a rack of her favorite designer fashions but all the mirrors are carnival funhouse mirrors which add a lot of extra junk in the trunk. (as if some women needed it). For double fun tell her to just try on clothes for an hour and add the Endless Date Torture.
- Drop Everything Torture Some women are so needy. I had tried to do things either for work, or family only to have the phone ring. Then I had to drop everything to deal with the situation. Well this torture has the woman fitted with a cell phone that vibrates so hard her teeth rattle. Then she is given a simple task of stacking fragile objects and carrying them from on table to another. Only half way through the phone rings forcing her to drop everything and eventually start over. I know it is cruel but she only has to do it for, say an hour?(snicker)
- Read My Mind Torture "You should have known that I wanted you to be there!" That was an actual quote from an ex-girlfriend. This torture has robots arm with little titanium clue bats bopping the woman on the head. To stop it the woman need only telepathically project her desire for the robots to cease. The torture continues until the robot successfully reads her mind or for an hour. Man am I evil!
- Peacock on Display Torture I have never been ashamed of any woman I dated. I have never dated an ugly woman. At the same time I have never grabbed a woman and dragged her to all of my friends houses to show her off. This torture has the woman standing in a display window being introduced to everyone who passes by. Again only for an hour. Hehe.
- Do What I Want Not What I Say Torture I had a woman tell me to do one thing but she actually wanted me to do something completely different. Then she was mad at me for doing what she told me to do. This torture is simple. Pop-up heads bark out an order. As soon as the woman does what she is told she is given an electric jolt. This continues until she figures out what the pop-up head really wants or for, well, you know.
- Previous Ex Torture Despite what you may gather from this list not all my relationships ended badly. I am on friendly terms with many of my ex-girl friends. And that causes all kinds of trouble if I run across them with while out with the current girlfriend. Apparently I must not be over them if I don't immediately denounce them for the wicked harpy the are. This torture simply has robots dressed up as the woman's ex-boyfriends. They are all put in a room and move around randomly. Every time the woman makes contact with an ex, she gets an electrical shock.
- Critical Diner Torture One woman no matter where I took her to eat would order something off the menu and then proceed to alter every aspect of the item. And she would change her mind between the time she ordered and the time the food was brought. The torture here is for the woman to work as a food server. She gets bopped with a clue bat every time she gets an order wrong.
- Eat off my Plate Torture If something looks good then order it. Don't order something different and then expect to eat my food. I am amazed at how many women think this is some cutesy couple thing. Ewww! The torture has the woman sitting at a table with an empty plate. A 12 armed robot sits across from her with a plate full of food, six knives and six forks. The woman need only feed herself from the robot's plate while avoiding the super speed knives and forks.
- Tickle Me Torture I am ticklish. I hate being tickled. So why would you continue to do it after the first time I told you to stop? In this torture the woman is... oh to heck with it. She gets repeatedly tazed. I REALLY hate being tickled.
- Snarky Email Torture I related a story to my date once. She took offense at something but didn't say anything. Then She flooded my inbox with snarky emails and ads for dating services. In this torture the woman is sitting a t a desk with a computer. She gets 1,000,000 pieces of spam and has to listen to the most obnoxious email arrival announcement ever created.
- Always A Bridesmaid Torture How many weddings can a couple attend? One woman took me to weddings where even she didn't know the couple. The torture has the woman dressed as a bridesmaid and goes through ceremony after ceremony after ceremony. It ends when she finally catches the bouquet. Did I mention that her hands and feet are tied? (I really should come up with a torture for woman who I have dated and after years of silence, they have gone out of their way to get word to me that they are now married)
- Never On Time Torture Many women talk longer to get ready than they said they would. Not a biggie. But how does a woman pick special events to attend that never start on time? An then the additional problem of it dragging on past the ending time. Admittedly this is an ethno-cultural phenomenon to which my brothers can attest. Anyway the torture is that the woman has to sit in her seat through an event but every ten minutes an announcement is made that they are waiting for another person to arrive and the show will be delayed ten minutes. Keep in mind we are using the Endless Date Torture clock.
The rest of the tortures are below the fold. Go to the end of the post and click "We want to read more!"
I know many of you are thinking, "Wow Dane, no wonder your still single." And one day there will be a special torture for you. But until then I hope you have enjoyed this peek into the dark side of my psyche. I don't sit around all day dreaming up tortures for people but these have been sitting in the back of my head waiting to see daylight. I feel so much better now!
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