Headlines for Monday 6/27/2005

AMC, Loews Cineplex Plan to Merge
Will form one huge movie chain that people will stay away from in droves

Court Limits Ten Commandments Displays
Court feeling guilty because of "Thou Shalt Not Steal" after giving local government OK to seize private lands

Poll: Women Want Jessica Simpson's Hair
Tired of dealing with Marge Simpson hair

Senators Seek Rules for Gitmo Detainees
Feels soldiers aren't coddling terrorists enough, propose facials and pedicures

Bobby and Whitney Get Real on Reality Show
"My So-Called Career" to air in October

Bush Adviser Must Turn Rhetoric Into Policy
Bush critics to continue to work only with rhetoric

Breast Implants Becoming Popular Gifts for Girl Grads
And it's a gift that can be appreciated by boys too

No Retirement Announcements at High Court
Justices will continue to screw America until they're force to stop by a dirt nap
I'm not bitter or anything...

Schwarzenegger: I'm Still Enjoying the Battle:
"Especially the crushing of my enemies, seeing them driven before me, hearing the lamentations of the women"

And as always there is more headliney goodness to be had from The Capitalist. basil, moehawk and Moes'

Moonbat Zapper

The Question: How should the White House respond to incredibly stupid accusations at press conferences?

The Solution: Is quite elegant in its simplicity. The first step is to redecorate the press room. Install electric chairs. Make sure they are comfortable! The next step is to strap everyone from the press into a chair. From this point on the press conference can proceed normally. Honest, even challenging questions can be asked and answered. However; the moment some moonbat equates eating Orange Glazed Chicken to Death camps; ZZZZZOT! When the smoke clears, allow the moonbat (if able) to rephrase their question. If they stick to their original lunacy, apply another jolt. Continue until the offender learns how to ask proper questions or has to be removed with a Dust Buster. This has the double effect of training the press corps in the proper ways to address issues facing our nation and weeding out those whose only agenda is to tear down Bush and the administration.

With minor modifications I think this system can be applied to Congress. Make the speaker stand on a grid. Whenever he or she;

• Makes a treasonous remark
• Spouts some groundless accusation against the President, or the administration
• Calls for some money-wasting, time-wasting investigation into a non-issue
• Wastes time making a non-apology
• Demoralizes our troops and gives aid and comfort to the enemy

ZZZZZZOT! Apply until they stop twitching.

That's my two cents and this has been a Precision Guided Humor Assignment.

Origins International Game Expo 2005

I am going to Origins next week and I can't wait. It's an intimate affair with me and 15,000 of my closest friends. I will be arriving in Columbus on Wednesday and will post throughout the entire event (The Hampton Inn and Suites has free Hi-Speed internet access in each room!) The first Origins took place in 1975. I have been attending Origins off and on since 1989. They began holding it in a different host city every year but it found a permanent home in Columbus in 1996.  

 

My Saturday Night tradition at Origins is going to the Japanese Steak House for dinner and then attending The Smithee Awards Show afterwards. It don't get better than this! 

In Case You Ever Wondered What I Did in the 80s

You Scored 100% Correct

You are an 80s expert You never confuse New Order with the Pet Shop Boys You know which classical musician Falco rocked When it comes to 80s music, you Just Can't Get Enough!

How Much Do You Know About 80s Music?

And the award for "Stupidest Looking Monster" goes to...

You won't find that category at the Oscars but there is an wards show that does honor the best of the worst movies ever made. I am talking about the Smithee Awards. It has all the pageantry of the Academy awards with the added bonuses of no acceptance speeches and the films actually are ones you may have seen. I know, I have attended the Smithee awards now for more than a decade. That includes a MegaMetaSmithee awards show too! But more on that later. Let's start with What are the Smithee Awards. From their FAQ:

The Smithee Awards, or "Smithees," is an annual ceremony which celebrates Bad Cinema. In principle, it's sort of the Anti-Oscars, though in practice it's more like the Anti-People's-Choice-Awards. A number of films are so "honored" each year, and there are nineteen categories in which a movie might win.

Some distinguishing characteristics to help you get the flavor of things: We limit ourselves to titles available on home video, and year-of-release is irrelevant. We clip the films for you; this means you're not forced to watch the whole movie, only the best bits. There are five clips per category, during which we tend to withhold comment and allow the film to speak for itself (though an occasional gut-reaction may slip out). Oh, and the voting audience, not we, are the final arbiters as to who takes the prize (so there can be no possibility of anything being rigged).

Not many people actually get a statuette, since thus far only two have claimed their Smithee. Can't imagine why.

The two in question were Walter Koenig of Star Trek/Babylon 5 fame and Jeff Conaway of Taxi/Babylon 5 fame. When I said there were no acceptance speeches at the Smithees, I was being honest. Conaway however was a good sport and agreed to be a "Guest of Honor" and talked to the audience. Koenig took the trophy and bailed as fast as he could. Here is why they were honored; from an email from Host/Fearless Leader: Bryan Cassidy (a.k.a. Allen Smithee):

Glad you enjoy the Smithees. Jeff received his award in the “WHAT?!” category for his work in the film A Time To Die, starring Traci Lords. His speech about the giant turd was actually in reference to a gag gift he and his fellow cast members once gave to a hard-drinking director of theirs. The Smithee Award statuettes themselves are actually deceptively handsome: A golden trashcan on a square base, with a strip of film wound around it emblazoned with the word “Smithee Award.”

Walter got his award for Moontrap, yes, in the Worst Cover Copy category, though he was nominated for Worst Acting, too (we didn’t tell him that part, since he was reluctant to accept even the WCC award).

To date, no other actor has graced us with their presence at a Smithee Awards ceremony with the sole exception of Kenny Baker, who entered with his wife, took one look around, and walked right out. We’re so proud.

So where are these awards held that such luminaries as Koenig, Conaway and Baker just stroll in and out? And Why is it called the Smithees? Well to answer the second question first I return to the FAQ:

Where did you get such a weird name?
The name "Allen Smithee" (various spellings) has been the film-industry standard pseudonym used in the credits for any director who wishes to have his name disassociated from a movie. This is done usually because the film has either strayed too much from the director's original vision, or because he suddenly realizes that his vision just plain stinks. In 1992, when Bryan Cassidy, with the help of Greg Pearson, came up with the idea for an awards ceremony glorifying Bad Movies, "The Smithee Awards" seemed truly appropriate.

Recent developments in Hollywood have spread the rumor that since the name "Allen Smithee" has become too well-known, it will be retired. Nonsense! Even if the name itself becomes less widely used, Mr. Smithee will simply assume a new one -- the spirit which Allen Smithee stands for will never die! Wherever a ghost writer pens a mediocre memoir, he'll be there. Wherever a comedian forgets a punchline, he'll be there. After the apocalypse, when the last light bulb in the last camera has burnt out and we have all reverted to cavepeople, he'll be there whenever someone smudges the yak blood on the painting they were doing... Actually, I forgot exactly where I was going with this, but you get the idea.

Now where do the awards take place? Columbus Ohio. The Smithee Awards are part of the Origins International Game Expo, this year held June 29 - July 3. The awards are held Saturday Night at 7:00pm. And for the past few years it has been standing room only. The Game Expo which is hosted by GAMA (Game Manufacturers Association) has had many Sci-fi and Fantasy film stars as Special Guests over the years.

I always make it a point to attend the Smithees. It has been a blast each time and it gets better every year. There are 19 categories and 5 nominees in each category. The audience votes and the winners announced. The rest as they say is history.
The categories are

Most Ludicrous Premise
Oblivious
"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
"Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"
"Alas, Poor Yorick"
Deus Ex Machina
Stupidest-Looking Monster
Worst Science
Best One-Liner
Worst Cover Copy
"Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"
Inane Dialogue
"Whoops!"
"WHAT?!"
Acting Appropriately Stupid
Worst Special Effect
Crummiest Ending
Worst Acting
Worst Picture

Now as if this weren't enough, every six years, the winners of the previous five years in each category are pitted against each other in the MegaMetaSmithee Awards. There have been two so far. The Smithees have been around since 1992. You can find a list of all the winners at their web site.

And of course I always have a complaint about something. The Smithees are generally family friendly. Occasionally a clip will have bad language but Bryan is always careful to announce it before hand. That leaves the one category, "Let's up the Rating to "R". It is for that gratuitous nude scene which has no other purpose in the film except to get an R rating. Personally I could do without the entire category but it is part of what makes bad movies bad. Like I said Bryan does give plenty of warning and gives parents time to get the kids out of the room.

Other than that I thoroughly enjoy the Smithee awards. I make it a habit to attend every year. I tell everyone I know about it and now I've told you! If you are in Columbus for the 4th of July Weekend, stop in!

Submitted to OTB Traffic Jam and basil's blog.

Headlines for Monday 6/20/2005

Whaling meeting 'may relax rules'
Attendees urged to dress business casual

Jackson prosecutor 'had vendetta'
Obviously no right thinking man would want to put a child molesting pervert in jail for any other reason

Vote-Rigging Feared in Iran Election
Washington state Democrats called in to investigate. Found no evidence of wrong doing.

Man who fled skinny-dipping arrest in golf cart sentenced
Will do community service after being treated for bad case of Golf Balls

Hollywood Slow Despite $47M 'Batman' Debut
Hollywood to ride the short bus for rich retards

Bush Remarks May Have Spurred Iran Voters
Bush is so good he furthers democracy without even trying

Runaway Bride, Hero Hostage to 'Tell-All'
New book "Milking my 15 Minutes" to hit shelves this week

FDA: Some Guidant Defibrillators Recalled
This came as no shock to some

Ochoa triumphs with birdie binge
Later contracts bad case of Cherpes
Moehawk? I have not yet begun to pun!

King Tut is back in the US to wow audiences
Lots of new Tut merchandise in gift Cheops
Somebody stop me!

Sunshine May Provide Prostate Protection
Exposure to the sun has made a vas deferens
Oh that was three in a row. Who is the King of puns now?

And as always there is more headliney goodness to be had from The Capitalist. basil, moehawk and Moes'

What Military Aircraft Are You

YouThink.com - Quiz - Personality Test: "

What military aircraft are you? F-15 Eagle You are an F-15. Your record in combat is spotless; you've never been defeated. You possess good looks, but are not flashy about it. You prefer to let your reputation do the talking. You are fast, agile, and loud, but reaching the end of your stardom.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

"

Moe likes quizzes and I like military aircraft. I was hoping to be a bomber, you know the "Nuke 'em 'till they glow then shoot them in the dark" type. But I was pleasantly surprised to find I'm an F-15. I am pretty much all the things listed but it saddens me that I am reaching the end of my stardom. Stupid obsolescence.

Encouragement for moehawk

moehawk has quit smoking and is detailing his ordeal on his blog. I feel for you brother. I quit ten years ago cold turkey and I still get an occaisional urge.

My Pastor has really been preaching against smoking lately. That combined with moehawk's quitting made me think about what I could do to help. So I offer this as encouragement to moehawk to keep up the good effort and do not look back. This is a cancerous lung. It's owner was a smoker and it literally killed him. Keep that in mind when you want to reach for that little white coffin nail.



The image is courtesy of WHYQUIT.COM It is from Joel's Reinforcement Library. He also says on that page:

Ex-smokers are often tempted when watching others smoke. Spending time with a specific friend and watching them smoke may be a trigger especially if it was the most time you had spend with the friend since you quit smoking. The first time you have any new experiences, even if smoking is not part of the ritual, the thought for a cigarette will seem like a natural part of the ritual.

Another factor is when watching a person smoke, the natural tendency is for the ex-smoker to start to fantasize about how good a cigarette will be at that given moment. A more productive way to handle the situation though is to really watch the person smoke one, and then wait a few minutes as they light another and then another. Soon you will see that they are smoking in a way that you don't want to and probably in a way that they don’t want to either. But they have no choice. You do.

So hang in there moehawk buddy. Don't let a little white piece of weed filled paper control your life. And the same to all others who are trying to quit.

Headlines for Friday 6/17/2005

Bush criticises Iran's election
But Sean Penn's there keeping an eye on things. What could go wrong?

World paedophile register closer
Micheal Jackson estatic until he learned it wasn't like eHarmony

Oprah heads celebrity power list
Celeb's hot air content should provide energy to most of North America

Study Finds Climbers Face Diarrhea Risk
Climbers say when the guy in front of you has the Hershy Squirts you literally face diarrhea risks

Bin Laden Not Believed in Afghanistan
Terrorist's credibility is low in the U.S. too but is still high with the MSM

Study Shows Having Baby at Home Is Safe
Still some moonbat mom will let her baby spend the night at Jackson's ranch

City Lets You Pay Parking Meters With Cell Phones
Finally a use for those obsolete dead telephones

Cheerleaders Disciplined for Feces Pizza
Girls swear Dominos has a new Pinch-a-Loaf topping

Cruise engaged to actress Holmes
Dubs relationship "Mission Impossible"

Oregon Cat Born With Two Faces
That makes two two-faced pussies in the U.S. if we count the Senator from New York

And as always there is more headliney goodness to be had from The Capitalist. basil, moehawk and Moes'.

Goomba The Magnificent Makes A Prediction

Nickie Goomba says;

Liberal-Progressives will destroy this nation if it will help them regain power." - (June 16, 2005)

He makes a pretty powerful argument citing instances of liberal lunacy;

Democratic Senator Dick Durbin yesterday compared treatment of Gitmo detainees by American soldiers to Nazis, Soviet gulags and a "mad regime" like Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge.

Armies of attorneys were gathered last November to challenge any state's election they could, even vaguely, label as illegitimate.

Democrats have stonewalled President Bush's judicial nominees, U.N. muscleman nominee, and his person appointee as White House chef.

I predict that this will continue. The Liberal-Progressive Democratic Party has declared its own jihad.

ANd lets not forget the Hillarybeast's desire to allow ex-felons to vote and her comments about repealing tax cuts "for the greater common good". Yes the liberals have a win at all costs mentality and there is nothing they won't sacrifice to achieve power.

I Take Full Responsibility

It is a little embarrassing. Micheal Collins has an excellant piece called Scorn over "Buckeye Boo-Hoo" mystifies experts. He tries to explain why people are so hard on George Voinavich for crying at the prospect of John Bolton becoming ambassador to the U.N. Crying for politicians is not unusual.

“We don’t universally make fun of politicians when they cry – that’s the interesting thing,” said Randolph Cornelius, a Vassar College professor and researcher who has studied human emotions, and weeping in particular.

In some cases, in fact, letting the tears flow can enhance a politician’s image. Think Rudolph Giuliani and 9/11. Giuliani’s emotional, misty-eyed public appearances in the days after the terrorist attacks softened his brusque image as New York mayor and helped him build needed political capital, Cornelius said.

But George got all weepy over John Bolton.

Voinovich’s tears, however, seem to have diminished him in the eyes of some.

Supporters – and the senator himself – say he got all choked up while speaking out against John Bolton’s nomination as the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations because he feared for the country’s future if a perceived bully such as Bolton becomes a top diplomat.

His detractors have been far less charitable, suggesting that the senator has come unglued.

“Voinovich’s weeping is a little odd,” John Pitney, a government professor at Claremont McKenna College in California, said in an e-mail interview. “If he cried every time he thought of a brusque federal official, Lake Erie couldn’t hold all the tears.”

I'm in the "unglued" camp. And I have no one to blame except myself. I voted for him. Sheesh.

Google Ads Biased

I found a brief description of Candice Jackson's book titled "Their Lives, The Women Targeted by the Clinton Machine" at Mover Mikes. The reason I mention this is because The Museum of Left Wing Lunacy has a piece that says "Google Censors Ads for Anti-Clinton Book" It seems of late that liberal bias is becoming more blatant. I think the 2004 elections were the wake up call to the liberal machine. They know how the majority of Americans feel about the left's ideology and are no longer willing to be subtle about implementing the liberal agenda. We need to call Google on tis and rub their noses in it. Google Ads don't block anti-bush material so make them drop the double standard.

Headlines for Thursday 6/16/2005

Who's Mentally Ill? Deciding Is Often All in the Mind
Howard Dean is mentally ill in the minds of most Americans

Leopard owner denies child endangerment charges
We now go inside the leopard for comment from child

Rain queen dies at 27
Dustin Hoofman's attempt to combine sequels to Rain Man and Tootsie big box office flop.

Lonely Galaxies Appear Blue
Will now frequent Internet chat rooms

Suspect cuts hole in drywall to escape cell
Poor lighting suspected as cause; police promise more dim cell research
(moehawk and Moe think they got puns? Bring it on!)

Governor to veto ban on strip-club bounties
Legislature ready to mutiny on the bounties

Earth's big, hot cousin found around nearby star
Other planets in solor systen try to hit on Earth's cousin

House Rejects Medical Marijuana Again
I'm tellin ya man, the medical stuff is just lousy weed man

Sleep Helps the Brain Learn
Students rejoice over new excuse to sleep in class

After Tsunami, Mothers Want More Children
After California verdict, so does Michael Jackson
(I have to milk Jacko for all he's worth until the civil case starts!)

And as always there is more headliney goodness to be had from The Capitalist. basil, moehawk and Moes'.

Where Are We Going and Why Are We in This Hand basket Part III

I found this article and it really made me mad. Bodies of Four Infants Found in Austria details the actions of a woman who murdered her four babies over the course of at least three years. Her reason, she was afraid that she couldn't care for the children AND she was afraid that a child would drive away her male companion of eight years. The autopsy wasn't complete but initial evidence suggests all the babies were born alive and then killed. Deep thinkers in the psychobabble community had these comments;

"Various reasons can lead women into such violent situations that they can't even think straight," said Dr. Roswith Roth of the University of Graz's Institute of Psychology.

"When a mother kills a child right after its birth, it's clear that she does so because she sees no other way out," Roth told the Austria Press Agency. "There is still an enormous amount of ignorance in how to prevent such things."
..snip
"The climate in which a woman must deal with an unplanned pregnancy is not very supportive in Austria," said Sylvia Groth, who heads a women's health center in Graz.

So I guess society is to blame. If only Austria culture was more supportive of women who suddenly find themselves a victim of an unplanned pregnancy! After all the woman in question had no hand it their own situation. Bull.
This nut case performed an abortion on her unwanted pregnancies after the children were born. We call it murder. The Austria police are treating it as such but the liberals are blaming society and making it out as if this woman just didn't get to the clinic in time to have it done in an acceptable time frame. The sad thing is she didn't have to kill them at all.

Although the province of Styria where Graz is regional capital has had a program in place since 2001 allowing women who don't want to keep their babies to give birth anonymously, women's advocates called for greater attention to their plight.

She didn't want to raise them and she didn't want to lose her man. The man by the way, claims he never knew anything about the pregnancies or the murders. Makes you wonder just how close they really are. And it makes you wonder if he will wait for her to get out of prison.

Coming Up: Days Off

I have a few days off from work coming up and I want to get some much needed home repairs done. I thought it would be a good time also to catch up on my blogging and to get to the several draft posts sitting around in Blogger. So if you see a sudden explosion of posts from me you know why.

Jacko Beats the Rap But Was Justice Served

So Jacko bet the rap. I'm not surprised. Disappointed but not surprised. I am going to miss all the Headline Fodder this ordeal has provided. Personally I believe that the man is a child molester and he should be punished but apparently the jury says he didn't commit the crimes laid out in charges that we brought against him. There were lots of tears according to the AP story:

motionless Jackson dabbed at his eyes with a tissue as the verdicts were read, and he later was embraced by his chief lawyer, Thomas Mesereau Jr. Another member of his defense team burst into tears, and some of the women in the jury also wept and passed around a box of tissues.

Yeah I bet there were some other tears too. Tears we could not see shed by the victims who didn't come forward. But they didn't press charges and Jacko wasn't tried for molesting them. He faced one victim and his family. And because the jury didn't like the way the mother behaved:

"I disliked it intensely when she snapped her fingers at us," said one juror, a woman. She said she thought to herself, "Don't snap your fingers at me, lady." The jurors were not identified.

Proof positive that Jackson did not molest the woman's son.

Another juror said in a CNN interview that testimony about Jackson sleeping with boys made him believe Jackson probably was a molester, but it wasn't proven in this case.

"I feel that Michael Jackson probably has molested boys," Raymond Hultman said. "I cannot believe that ... this man could sleep in the same bedroom for 365 straight days and not do something more than just watch television and eat popcorn. I mean, that doesn't make sense to me. But that doesn't make him guilty of the charges that were presented in this case and that's where we had to make our decision."

So did the prosecution fail? Was the defense that good? Was the case that weak or was Jacko actually innocent in this one case?

The acquittals marked a stinging defeat for Santa Barbara County District Attorney Tom Sneddon, who displayed open hostility for Jackson and had pursued him for more than a decade, trying to prove the rumors that swirled around Jackson about his fondness for children.

Sneddon sat with his head in his hands after the verdicts were read.

"We don't select victims of crimes and we don't select the family. We try to make a conscientious decision and go forward," Sneddon said afterward, adding "I'm not going to look back and apologize for anything that we've done."

AP is hinting that Sneddon had it in for Jackson and has been trying to get him for 10 years like it's a bad thing Is there a statute of limitation for perversion? Is there a point when you can, with good conscience say, "Well we really can't nail Jacko for molesting kids and it's been 10 years so let's just drop it. He's earned it." To do so would be saying we really don't value the safety of our children. It really is too much work to maintain a vigil against perverts.

I think we have had enough of Michael Jackson. I think that if any parent allows their boys to "sleep over" with Michael they should just sign a waiver and say "Here, take my son and have your way with him." What else could they possibly think would go on? What person in their right mind could leave their child with even an alleged pervert?

They say the third time's the charm. Well Jacko's charmed life should end if there is a third time. When are we going to stop glorifying the deviants in our society?

Headline Roundup

Okay I don't normally post over the weekend but I know many bloggers do. I haven't done headlines since Thursday so I thought I would round up some for you.

basil's blog had lots of headlines, posting every day. The second most prolific headliner this weekend was The Capitalist from Laffin at the Left. He posted three times with headlines in his Laffland Memos. And moehawk from oystersnout and Moe from Moe's Woes each had headlines.

That should satisfy your headline urges. Until next time...

Deep Pup Reports on Quran Desecration

When I learned that Evil Glenn defiled Qurans on a regular basis I had to find out what it was that he did. I employed an inside agent, Deep Pup. So as not to arouse suspicion, Deep Pup smuggled the news out in verse. Double Dactyls to be precise. Here is Deep Pup's report;

Puppy Smoothie
Instaty Pundity
Evil Glenn Reynolds is
Trashing Qurans in a
Manner profane.

Thick Puppy Smooties are
Enthusiastically
Spilled on the pages and
Left there to stain.

Great Scott
Higgledy Piggledy
Reynolds the Evil One
Looking for outhouses
After he's dined

Ripping the pages he
superhygeinically
takes Quran teachings and
Cleans his behind.

Take Off
Aeroty Haeroty
Happy Glenn Reynolds tears
Page after page from the
Holy Quran

Folding them carefully
Aerodynamically
Words of Muhamad float
High over land.

This has been a Filthy Lie.

Headlines for Thursday 6/9/2005

Japan whale vote 'will be close'
Orcas rush to the polls just minutes before closing

Freak Medical Survival Stories
As if Micheal Jackson wasn't in the news enough already

US agrees to back UN nuclear head
Fission toilets to save UN millions on water bill

Last-ditch push for poverty deal
"You move to America, live in a cardboard box with all the garbage you can eat and all you have to do is vote Democrat!"

Groups Sue to Overturn Utah's Porn Law
Lawyers call porn stars to testify after allowing them to go through their briefs and handle their subpenas

Microsoft CEO Warns of Internet Dangers
The biggest being Internet Explorer

GOP Leaders Weigh Raising Soc. Sec. Age
Decide raising the age to 155 will make system solvent permanently

Grandfather Arrested on Child Porn Charges"
Actor Abner "Babycheeks" Young was arrested when it was discovered he was wearing Depends instead of Pampers

Jackson Lawyer Says Gag Order Not Violated
Gag reflex is history though

As a special treat visit The Capitalist as he does his own headlines at Laffin at the Left. And as always there is more headliney goodness to be had at basil, moehawk and Moes'.

On The Blogroll

It is always a good idea to visit your blogroll. And while I was cruising the blogosphere, I made a few stops along the way.

The Nose On Your Face has Top 9 Suggested Ann Coulter Book Titles
My favorite is number 4.

Jay at Stop the ACLU has a great piece. Interview With A Former ACLU Lawyer "For God And Country Forever Surrender To The ACLU Never" is a must read especially if you despise the ACLU and I know you do.

Mr. Minority has nothing nice to say about Mr. Carter. Talk About an Embarrassment!! is very representitive of the conservative feeling about Carter's "Close Gitmo" comments. Jimmy's 444 day ordeal must have given him some keen insight into dealing with islamofacist terrorism.

Nickie Goomba warns of a new Homeland Security threat. Homeland Security begins round-up of "Bug-eyed People"

Scrappleface has a piece on the confirmation of Judge Brown. GOP Senators Shocked: Judge Brown is Black deals with life after Dean's "white Christians" comment.

The Museum of Left Wing Lunacy probes the tiny minds of MoveOn.org. MORON.ORG calls Downing memo a "Smoking Gun" They and Rep John Conyers must smoke the same stuff.

The Pulpit Pounder's contribution to todays' STOP the ACLU Blogburst is STOP the ACLU--START with HR 2679

And of course there are the usual suspects at basil's blog, oystersnout, Moes Woes and Laffin at the Left. So stop by and leave a comment or three. It is always nice to let someone know you appreciate their hard work.

Headlines for Wednesday 6/8/2005

And now the Bramage Report:
IBM links with Swiss team to build model of brain
Raises hope that every Democrat will finally get a working model

UN asked to ban fishing practice, save sea turtle
Environmentalist OK with starving humans and killing industry

World marks green day; big city mayors sign pacts
Mayors vow never to let liberal wimp band in their cities again

Villagers evacuated near Mexico's 'Fire Volcano'
Villagers then cleaned themselves up and got the heck out of the area

Dolphin moms teach daughters how to use tools
Then moms teach daughters how to shop at malls and go to bathrooms in groups

The News Media Is Still Recovering From Watergate
Stiffled by a crippling inability to get over itself

'New AIDS' spreading among homosexual men
Believed it will catch on much better than 'New Coke' did

Man Delivers Pizza After Being Shot in Leg
Customer recieved Pizza in under 30 minutes with extra sauce

Online gamer gets life for cyber-sabre stabbing
Virtual incarceration to begin after downloading prison program

Brad Pitt Gives a Glimpse Into His Future
Sees many alimony payments

Genes May Play Role in Women's Orgasms
The lack of jeans is a bigger contributor

Apartment full of desiccated corpses
Hilary has Pampered Chef party for Pelosi and Boxer

Stormy romance brings baby boom
Exploding babies recruited by insurgents

Bear Attacks Dog Inside Virginia House
Virginia representatives immediately draft Canine - Ursine bill banning animal violence in the capitol

The Advertising Behind Male Enhancement Pills
Obviously the competition is stiff if not the customers

And as always there is more headliney goodness to be had at basil, moehawk and Moes'.

Next Year in Review: Fantasy Headlines for 2006

For this Precision Guided Humor assignment I am looking at 2006 through fantasy headlines. I was amazed at how much easier it was to make fun of real headlines compared to making them up.
I think I will start off in the entertainament world. Jacko is still newsworthy after being sentenced to 10 years for child molestation. We have this headline;
Michael Jackson Exchanges Vows with Cell Mate

Paris Hilton's on again on again love affair with her name surfaces in the headlines with;
Paris Hilton Engaged to Musician Paris Pliakas

And the Republican majority passed good law;
Last Actor Vowing to Leave the US After Bush '04 Win Exiled Today
so long Mr. Baldwin

On the political front Ted tries to get help but old habits die hard;
Kennedy Expelled from Betty Ford; Ted, Gurney and Nurse Wind Up in Pool

Washington state paves the way for a bigger Democratic turnout;
Washington State Okays Extraterrestrial Vote

John Kerry's attempt to portray himself as a war heroes grows more desparate;
John Kerry recalls Christmas Eve in Cambodia; "I Rescued Jedi Younglings from the Sith"

and congress has some new rules;
Congressional Witch Ban Forces Boxer, Clinton, and Pelosi Off Capitol Hill
And That's next year in review.

Death Games of Gaza Children

Those of us old enough to have been kids in the pre-PC America remember playing cowboys and indians. The object if you were a cowboy and ths a good guy was to kill the indians who were the bad guys. Well MEMRI has a news clip MEMRI TV: "700 - The Death Games of Gaza Children" It shows the Gaza children playing :Arabs and Jews (video link)" The objective here is to shoot Jews and die for Allah. The transcript reads :

Reporter: Abd Al-Sattar's favorite game is "Jews and Arabs."
Boy: The Arabs are in the street. The Jews stand over there and we shoot at them, and throw rocks and grenades at them.
Reporter: To win the game, the player must die.
Boy: Burn the tank!
Boy: Martyrdom for the sake of Allah is our greatest desire. Oh God! Don't be afraid because fear hurts me. Don't be sad because sadness frightens me. Don't scream because screams kills me.
"Injured" boy: Shoot at them. Shoot at them!
Boy: We are all dead, mother, but don't be sad. Mother, rejoice! Rejoice that I died a martyr's death for the sake of Allah.
Reporter: Do you like the Jews, Aya? Look at her. Do you like the Jews?
Aya: No.
Reporter: Why?
Aya: They are sons of dogs.
Mother: Sons of dogs.
Reporter: Have you ever seen any Jews?
Aya: Yes, I have.
Reporter: Where?
Aya: On TV.
Reporter: On TV?
Aya: They wear helmets like yours. Like this. They put it on like this. They wear ones like these… They hold the Kalashnikov. They come in a tank, and shoot.

Is there any wonder thre is no peace in the middle East?
Hat Tip to Stefania at Free Thoughts

I Guess I have To Leave the Republican Party

Howling Howie was at it again. This time according to the San Francisco Chronicle he commented that

Republicans are "a pretty monolithic party. They all behave the same. They all look the same. It's pretty much a white Christian party.

I had no idea that my party was so shallow and stood for so little. Why if they only want white Christians then I have no choice but to leave the party. Howie went on to say

"The Republicans are not very friendly to different kinds of people," Dean said Monday, responding to a question about diversity during a forum with minority leaders and journalists. "We're more welcoming to different folks, because that's the type of people we are. But that's not enough. We do have to deliver on things: jobs and housing and business opportunities."

Yeah That's the party for me. Diversity. The more Howie speaks "diverse" it gets. But the Democrats want to just give me a job and housing and business oppurtnities. And if he can deliver it and make all those white Christians pay for it even sweeter!
Oh wait. I have a good job after seeking higher education. I own my own home. And I have had business oppurtunities. Hmmm... I think maybe Howie is missing the mark yet again. The Republicans are full of diversity and they didn't ply me with entitlements paid for by hard working Americans. They appealed to my values. The values that we have in common. But Howie hasn't a clue about me or most of the people who call themselves Republicans. He goes on to comment about his "never made an honest living in their lives," quote about the GOP;

"This is one of those flaps that comes up once in awhile when I get tough," Dean said. "We have to be rough on the Republicans. Republicans don't represent ordinary Americans and they don't have any understanding of what it is to go out and try and make ends meet."

So says the chairman of the party of such down-to-earth working class stiffs like John "I married into wealth twice" Kerry, and Ted "My family is rich from booze and porn" Kennedy, John "I sleazed millions in lawsuits" Edwards, and Hilary "I'm plagued with money scandals" Clinton. The Democratic leadership is a very telling reflection of their true beliefs. And while I may not be white, I have never felt excluded by the Republican party or the leadership. Leadership I was proud to support and vote for.

Update: leave it to Chris Muir to come up with the timely jab at Howlin' Howie.
Day by Day 6-9-05

Update II: Under the catagory of "I wish I'd said that"; Baldilocks, everyone's favorite white Christian, says "Reports of my whiteness have been greatly exaggerated." Hat Tip to basil.

Was Jesus Christ Really a Woman?

Everyone knows that God had only one Begotten Son who gave his life so that we could escape the condemnation of sin. Everyone apparently except the LBI institute. An article at WorldNetDaily: Was Jesus Christ really a woman? discusses a new (per)version of the bible.

LBI Institute says its version, Judith Christ of Nazareth, The Gospels of the Bible, Corrected to Reflect that Christ Was a Woman, Extracted from Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, takes Thomas Jefferson’s edited Gospel one step further by "correcting" the gender of Christ and God.

Correcting the gender? "Son of God", "Son of Man", "God the Father", "God the Son", they all are very gender specific. What needed to be corrected?

"This long-awaited revised text of the Gospels makes the moral message of Christ more accessible to many, and more illuminating to all," says Billie Shakespeare, vice president for the publisher, in a statement. "It is empowering. We published this new Bible to acknowledge the rise of women in society."

(emphasis mine)Okay first off this clown's name is Billie Shakespeare!? You have got to be kidding me. Secondly how does changing God into a chick make the moral message more accessible and more illuminating? Are there really people out there who were really needing this?

Feminazi:"You know I really want to believe the Christian doctrine of forgiveness but I can't"
Femizon Friend:” Why not?"
Feminazi:"Well it's that whole 'God is a male thing. It really ruins the message for me."
Femizon Friend:” Well you're in luck! Here's the new Judith Christ of Nazareth!"
Feminazi:"Oh Praise the Lady! Now I am saved. I can be a better human being now that I can read about God the Mother and God the Daughter!"

Do you think there are people out there like that? Hardly. If they aren't Christian now they certainly won't become Christian believing in a female savior. Thirdly who is empowered by this? A woman who aspires to be a god. And that is not as grandiose a thing as it sounds. To be a god you need only determine for yourself what is right and what is wrong. Then there is the statement that this new bible acknowledges the rise of women in society. How does it do that? By telling a huge lie? They want you to believe that women have gone from the kitchen to creating the cosmos, well you really have come a long way baby.

The foreword says, "Events in the Gospel that do not relate to the moral teachings of Christ are often omitted. However, the basic narrative of Christ's life, death and resurrection is maintained."

Except for the fact that Jesus was a man. That was changed to protect and promote the sinful lifestyles of the fringe element that hates men for being, well men. Face it a real woman knows that Christ died for her. A real woman isn't empowered by the fantasy that Christ could be a woman. A real woman accepts the Saviour in Truth.
Lastly the article list some of the comments from reviewers at Amazon.com:

Reader reviews on the book's Amazon.com page included these:
• "One star because there is nothing lower. May the Lord have mercy on the writers!"
• Reading the other reviews here, I can't believe that this is being touted as being an advance for women's rights. That is just not true. God sent his only SON, not his daughter. It is also true that God loves all of us, male and female the same. He created each of us as we are. We should not strive to become something we are not. This book truly offends me. I agree with the other reviewer, those that produced this book will be held responsible for those they deceive. I pray for each of them.
• May the Lord God punish the author of this translation and its publishers if they do not withdraw this herectic bible from print Amen.
• "A friend with a Hebrew doctorate noted to me: 'There is no feminine form of the name Jesus (or Joshua). Judith is the feminine form of the name Juda - or Judas.' How perfectly fitting!"

Fitting indeed. Just so you know that these biblical gender benders aren’t going to get off the hook spiritually; look at Galatians chapter 1 verses 8 and 9:

But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed
As we said before, so say I now again, If any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed.

Accursed here is the word anathema which literally means “Let them go to Hell”. Amen to that

Headlines for Tuesday 6/7/2005

Today's headlines are brought to you by our Laffland correspondent, The Capitalist. Take it away TC.

Study: Parents Can Help Babies Get Rhythm
White People Worldwide Rejoice

Scientists to Breed 'Test Tube' Sharks
Volunteer: I hope she's cute!

Nadal Upsets Top-Ranked Federer in Paris
Lower Ranked Federers Remain Calm

Crime Blotter: Man Allegedly Sets Fire to Home to Get Rid of Guests
Mother-In-Law Wounded In Blaze

Powdered Baby Formula Goes Behind Counter
Livid Store Manager Tells Powdered Mother Formula To "Clean That Up!"

Airlines to Begin Tallying Pet Casualties
Highway Departments Soon To Follow

Hijack Code a Secret Signal of Distress
'Course, It's Not A Secret Anymore, Is It, Blabbermouth?

Porn Film Gets Churches Talking
Insert Favorite Oral Roberts Joke Here

Democrats Also Got Tribal Donations
Proceeds Came From Renting Out The Lincoln Wig-Wam

Octogenarian nabbed in prostitution ring
Suspect says "Bingo just wasn't any fun, anymore"

Saddam Hussein to Face 12 Charges in Trial
Fashion police angered that "looking bad in saggy underwear" won't be among the charges

Teen Sensation Nadal Wins French Open
Vows to have webcam site up and running "soon"

Iraq Admits Targeting Sunnis in Crackdown
Defense Minister: "Journalists are also a priority"

Group Disputes Count of Black Boy Scouts
Wants Oregon Election Officials to Perform Independent Audit

Codey Cements Legacy As Acting N.J. Gov.
Concrete Galoshes Back In Vogue In Trenton

Khartoum facing war crimes probe
Donald Duck denies collaboration with Hitler

Help Africa, Brown tells oil-rich
Oil-rich nations promise to send the U.N.

Ethiopia election results delayed
Carter tied up in Oregon, will schedule Ethiopa next

Hong Kong marks Tiananmen deaths
"Moment of silence" marred by noisy Chinese tank engines

US Guantanamo guard kicked Koran
soldier also "stuck his tongue out" at detainee

Virgin seeks Airbus delay talks
Airbus accuses Virgin of "not really loving me"

Lawyers condemn Nepal government
Whole world responds by condemning lawyers

Extinct cave bear DNA sequenced
Extinct Johnny Cochran casts doubt on test results

Hizbollah, allies win landslide in S.Lebanon polls
Landslide rumored to have been caused by car bombs

And as always there is more headliney goodness to be had at basil, moehawk and Moes'.

"Hail the blood-letting! I desecrate faster than the super-flu!!"

Well according to a Battle Cry Generator that is Dane Bramage's battle cry. I found it at The Pulpit Pounder.

I tried different combinations of my real name and initials and came up with some interesting battle cries:

"I'm going to spank you like a rabid gangsta bitch, then bake cookies!!!"
"I'm going to clobber you into the stuff of nightmares, and add a notch to my bedpost!"
"Hail the blood-letting! I lay waste to the landscape like a mad dog who can only get madder!"
"Ares, God of War, be praised! I pillage until my glands are satisfied!!!"
"I'm going to cram objects into you from every conceivable angle!!!"

But try it yourself.

Headlines for Friday 6/3/2005

Today we have a Special Edition of Headlines. First the Bramage Report;

Aretha Franklin Revisits Gospel Roots
Which are very grey and on top of her head

Indiana Judge Rules Against Planned Parenthood
Cites vasts strides in unplanned parenthood as precedent

Bosnian Execution Video Shakes Families
MTV refuses to pull video from rotation

Eating Fewer Foods May Maintain Weight Loss
Well Duh

CDC: Obesity Is Still an Epidemic
Productivity suffers as millions of workers call in fat

Does a New Pill Contain the Fountain of Youth?
We have enough youth make a pill that has Fountain of Smart in it

Scientists to Breed 'Test Tube' Sharks
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the lab...

Obesity Research Shows 3 Crucial Periods
Scientists identify these as breakfast, lunch and dinner
And What up with all the fat news lately?

Bible-belt town bans blasphemy
Dean and Kerry not welcome with their new interpretations of scripture

Sudan Conflict Leaves Millions of Refugees in Limbo
Limbo officials shocked to find they border Sudan

Church Defrocks Two Philly-Area Priests
Unfortunately it was long after priests derobed themselves in front of young boys

Red Tide Continues Southward Expansion
Lemon Fresh Tide still big in Northeast

Grandpa's poisons may affect you, rat tests show
This only affects those of you related to rats; John Kerry is in deep trouble

'Bad' odors cause bad driving?
Not the odors per se but stopping every 100 yards to have someone pull your finger is suspect

Beached whales head back out to sea
O'Donnel and Alley move Jenny Craig party onboard yacht

Scientists Study How to Tell T. Rex's Sex
You have to take a look in their genes

'Spider-Man' Protests Tiananmen Crackdown
Joined in protest by Daredevil, Wolverine, and Captian America

Rush Guitarist Sues Hotel Over Altercation
Spokesman Tom Sawyer said "While it was his Free Will to stay in the Subdivisions it was no excuse for such fly by night service."

And now we go to The Capitalist, our Laffland correspondent for these headlines;

*Annan Fires U.N. Staffer Over Oil-For-Food Scandal
Also considers releasing janitor over Sudan debacle

*Longtime Jackson Confidant Speaks Out
Bobo using sign language to communicate with jury

*Judge Issues Warrant for Bobby Brown
Whitney's staff packing for impending rehab stay

*Experimental Vaccine May Prevent Shingles
Still no hope for downspout and shutter sufferers

*Experts: Wet Winter Triggered Landslide
Axis of Evil Club welcomes Winter as newest member

*'Deep Throat' Family May Cash in on Fame
Lewinsky's announce book deal and seminar tour

*Studies: Cynicism Starts Young and Sarcasm Is Complex
Poll: 89% of first graders disbelieve this study, 11% respond “Whatever!"

*'Red Brigade' killers given life
Irony of the sentence is lost on Italian court

Thank you. That was The Capitalist from Laffin at the Left, our LaffLand correspondent. For more Headliney goodness be sure to visit basil, moehawk and Moe.

Laffin at the Left:No Laffing Matter: The ACLU Attack On Common Sense

If you are like me, meaning you stand erect and are capable of intelligent thought, then you have heard of the ACLU. If you are reading this on my blog then chances are our opinions of said [sarcasm]august organization[/sarcasm] are probably similar. But rather than launch into full rant mode I will direct you instead to The Capitalist's blog, Laffin at the Left.
He has an excellant post No Laffing Matter: The ACLU Attack On Common Sense. He has been to the ACLU website and made some very astute observations on some of their beliefs. He says;

If you browse through the list of issues on their website, the first item is criminal justice. Now, I'm all for criminal justice, but that's about as far as my agreement with the ACLU goes on this point. Their idea of criminal justice involves some sort of race quota in the prison population. Their view is that every race should be represented in prison based on that race's percentage of the population. My view is if a criminal is guilty, then lock him or her up. In short, I'm for a truly blind criminal justice system.

The Capitalist is a great writer and I like his stlye. And it doesn't hurt that we are like-minded individuals. He also talks about www.stoptheaclu.org and their official blog. They have a weekly blogburst and a blogroll. An American Housewife participates in the STACLU blogburst. Check her out (like I've said before) and visit Laffin at the Left (like I've said before) and get out there and STOP THE ACLU.

Headlines for Thursday 6/2/2005

Dog faeces causes political stink
Mass confusion ensued as the stench made people think the Democrats were speaking

Royal cows predict good harvest
Prince Charles new bride writes an almanac

Introducing the chocolate candy diet...
The Michael Moore Diet will hit the shelves next week

'I'm not Piano Man', says Czech
I am the Piano Man says Billy Joel

Paris Hilton Engaged to Shipping Heir
Will marry Paris Latsis and become Paris Latsis - no joke.

'Mermaid girl' to have operation
Eager to start life over as Mermaid man! (Spongebob is estatic)

Shingles Vaccine Works in Large Study
Now doctors try to get it to work in small hospital room

Stocks Close Higher Despite Tepid Data
Productivity, Factory Orders Post Gains
Retailers Overcome Chill With Strong Sales
MSM doomsaying tries to blame Bush for bad economy, economy not listening

And as always, more headliney goodness can be found at the usual sources:
basil, moehawk, and Moe. ALTHOUGH Moehawk and Moe have been slackin in the headline department. I am calling the kettle black as I have only done headlines once this week. So here's hoping things get better for the guys and they get back into the headline rhythm.

Puppy Pie: A Filthy Lie Assignment

Glenn Reynolds is known for his insatiable thirst for puppy smoothies. While searching through some of his documents for a recipe I made a startling discovery. Glenn is working on a cookbook! I found the partially completed project in his handwriting called “Cooking and Baking with Puppies”.

There was this photo and a recipe for something called Puppy Pie…

Put several heads and feet together with some backs or necks or an entire puppy cut into pieces into a big pot. Fill it with cold water and add about 1 Tbsp each of unrefined sea salt and vinegar. Let it stand for half an hour. Then bring it to boil. Once it starts to boil, immediately turn heat off so much that it is only very slightly simmering. Skim off the stuff that comes up after bringing to boil. After an hour or so you can peal-off" the meat and use some of it for a puppy salad. Yum! The salt and vinegar are needed to help extracting the minerals out of the bones, feet etc. Add the parsley approx. 15 minutes before you want to finish. After it's finished, throw away the bones or what is left from it. You can now use it as a base for a very nutritious and tasty sauce. Any bones and heads can be used, not just puppy, but always add some feet (fox or wolf pup feet will work too) as they will give a good gelatinous texture. Poor into a ready made graham cracker crust and chill.

That isn't nearly as frightening as the "Yorkshire Terrier Pudding" recipe. This is of course, all a Filthy Lie