Today we have a Special Edition of Headlines. First the Bramage Report;
Aretha Franklin Revisits Gospel Roots
Which are very grey and on top of her head
Indiana Judge Rules Against Planned Parenthood
Cites vasts strides in unplanned parenthood as precedent
Bosnian Execution Video Shakes Families
MTV refuses to pull video from rotation
Eating Fewer Foods May Maintain Weight Loss
CDC: Obesity Is Still an Epidemic
Productivity suffers as millions of workers call in fat
Does a New Pill Contain the Fountain of Youth?
We have enough youth make a pill that has Fountain of Smart in it
Scientists to Breed 'Test Tube' Sharks
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the lab...
Obesity Research Shows 3 Crucial Periods
Scientists identify these as breakfast, lunch and dinner
And What up with all the fat news lately?
Bible-belt town bans blasphemy
Dean and Kerry not welcome with their new interpretations of scripture
Sudan Conflict Leaves Millions of Refugees in Limbo
Limbo officials shocked to find they border Sudan
Church Defrocks Two Philly-Area Priests
Unfortunately it was long after priests derobed themselves in front of young boys
Red Tide Continues Southward Expansion
Lemon Fresh Tide still big in Northeast
Grandpa's poisons may affect you, rat tests show
This only affects those of you related to rats; John Kerry is in deep trouble
'Bad' odors cause bad driving?
Not the odors per se but stopping every 100 yards to have someone pull your finger is suspect
Beached whales head back out to sea
O'Donnel and Alley move Jenny Craig party onboard yacht
Scientists Study How to Tell T. Rex's Sex
You have to take a look in their genes
'Spider-Man' Protests Tiananmen Crackdown
Joined in protest by Daredevil, Wolverine, and Captian America
Rush Guitarist Sues Hotel Over Altercation
Spokesman Tom Sawyer said "While it was his Free Will to stay in the Subdivisions it was no excuse for such fly by night service."
And now we go to The Capitalist, our Laffland correspondent for these headlines;
*Annan Fires U.N. Staffer Over Oil-For-Food Scandal
Also considers releasing janitor over Sudan debacle
*Longtime Jackson Confidant Speaks Out
Bobo using sign language to communicate with jury
*Judge Issues Warrant for Bobby Brown
Whitney's staff packing for impending rehab stay
*Experimental Vaccine May Prevent Shingles
Still no hope for downspout and shutter sufferers
*Experts: Wet Winter Triggered Landslide
Axis of Evil Club welcomes Winter as newest member
*'Deep Throat' Family May Cash in on Fame
Lewinsky's announce book deal and seminar tour
*Studies: Cynicism Starts Young and Sarcasm Is Complex
Poll: 89% of first graders disbelieve this study, 11% respond “Whatever!"
*'Red Brigade' killers given life
Irony of the sentence is lost on Italian court
Thank you. That was The Capitalist from Laffin at the Left, our LaffLand correspondent. For more Headliney goodness be sure to visit basil, moehawk and Moe.