Today's headlines are brought to you by our Laffland correspondent, The Capitalist. Take it away TC.
Study: Parents Can Help Babies Get Rhythm
White People Worldwide Rejoice
Scientists to Breed 'Test Tube' Sharks
Volunteer: I hope she's cute!
Nadal Upsets Top-Ranked Federer in Paris
Lower Ranked Federers Remain Calm
Crime Blotter: Man Allegedly Sets Fire to Home to Get Rid of Guests
Mother-In-Law Wounded In Blaze
Powdered Baby Formula Goes Behind Counter
Livid Store Manager Tells Powdered Mother Formula To "Clean That Up!"
Airlines to Begin Tallying Pet Casualties
Highway Departments Soon To Follow
Hijack Code a Secret Signal of Distress
'Course, It's Not A Secret Anymore, Is It, Blabbermouth?
Porn Film Gets Churches Talking
Insert Favorite Oral Roberts Joke Here
Democrats Also Got Tribal Donations
Proceeds Came From Renting Out The Lincoln Wig-Wam
Octogenarian nabbed in prostitution ring
Suspect says "Bingo just wasn't any fun, anymore"
Saddam Hussein to Face 12 Charges in Trial
Fashion police angered that "looking bad in saggy underwear" won't be among the charges
Teen Sensation Nadal Wins French Open
Vows to have webcam site up and running "soon"
Iraq Admits Targeting Sunnis in Crackdown
Defense Minister: "Journalists are also a priority"
Group Disputes Count of Black Boy Scouts
Wants Oregon Election Officials to Perform Independent Audit
Codey Cements Legacy As Acting N.J. Gov.
Concrete Galoshes Back In Vogue In Trenton
Khartoum facing war crimes probe
Donald Duck denies collaboration with Hitler
Help Africa, Brown tells oil-rich
Oil-rich nations promise to send the U.N.
Ethiopia election results delayed
Carter tied up in Oregon, will schedule Ethiopa next
Hong Kong marks Tiananmen deaths
"Moment of silence" marred by noisy Chinese tank engines
US Guantanamo guard kicked Koran
soldier also "stuck his tongue out" at detainee
Virgin seeks Airbus delay talks
Airbus accuses Virgin of "not really loving me"
Lawyers condemn Nepal government
Whole world responds by condemning lawyers
Extinct cave bear DNA sequenced
Extinct Johnny Cochran casts doubt on test results
Hizbollah, allies win landslide in S.Lebanon polls
Landslide rumored to have been caused by car bombs
And as always there is more headliney goodness to be had at basil, moehawk and Moes'.