The Smithee Awards Report

Speaking of the Smithees (see my post "And the Award for Stupidest Looking Monster Goes to..."), despite the initial delay this year's 14th Annual Smithee Awards Show did go on and it was great! The overall winner and winner of the "Worst Film" award was the post apocalyptic "Roller Blade (1985)". Naked pointy hooded nuns on skates who worshipped a holy smiley face and communed in hot tubs took on evil skaters and their animated baby doll. No. Really. The Smithee synopsis reads:

The Holy Order of the Roller Blade is a group of roller-skating nuns whose holy symbol is a happy-face, in a post-apocalyptic world gone horribly, horribly wrong. Yet if this is so wrong, I don't want to be right.

The nuns are opposed by a group of mutants lead by the evil Doctor Saticoy. The crisis points come when Doctor Saticoy steals the nuns' sacred power crystal, and kidnaps the Sheriff's son.

In addition, a user comment at the IMDB reads:

Films like this really defy any sort of critical analysis because how 'bad' they are is directly related to how much enjoyment you get out of it. That said, this effort, whilst offering at least a few good laughs, is ultimately so lame that it wears very thin. You might find yourself sticking with it to the end with a sense of utter disbelief or you might only get past the first scene, but either way you'll be wondering just how little money it cost to make, and just how the hell they got a distribution deal in the first place. Cult status is assured (it's already had 3 sequels, which is unfathomable) - it's a futuristic sci-fi adventure with roller-skating nuns, child kidnap, power crystals, and naked nuns in jacuzzis. Trash doesn't get any worse or any weirder, and it's a thin line between talentless crap and auteur genius.

Is it the worse film I've ever seen? Yea, verily.

Some Japanese films made the show. Two in particular have to be seen to be believed. Gorath (1962), a rogue star threatens to collide with Earth so the scientists create a huge rocket engine which propels Earth out of harms way. Of course they don’t know how to get Earth back on track and they have caused unparalleled ecological damage. But the rogue star missed them and that’s what’s important. The Smithees say:

A rogue star, code-named Gorath, is cutting a swath of destruction through the solar system on a collision course with Earth. Not to fear, though. Japan has a bold plan to save the world. No, it's not what you're thinking. I have no idea what you're thinking, but I'm sure it's not this. 0:44:39 Science: They're accelerating at 14 gravities, but people are walking around normally. No, they don't have inertial dampeners; they just don't have any understanding of science.

And I am looking for ”Ororchi: The Eight-Headed Dragon (1994)”. It was essentially film version a video game complete with level bosses and power ups. Looks like a lot of fun. Smithee says:

Jenna describes this movie by saying that she thinks they wanted to make an anime, but couldn't afford to. In Imperial Japan, the younger twin son of the local lord is taken for a demon (being a younger twin) and exiled. Eventually, he is allowed back at court but must prove himself by being sent out to battle the lord's enemies. After many martial arts fights, this leads the hero and his companions to fight a real demon. But once the demon is destroyed, it reincarnates as a giant rubber monster, which Jenna and I refer to as "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Godzilla".

The clips were funny to watch especially the "Oblivious" nomination where 100 swordsman appear out of nowhere to help capture the heroine.

Some notable award winners were "Best One-Liner" Leprechaun: Back 2 da Hood (2003), "Cutting Butter with a Chainsaw" Lady Terminator (1988), and "Worst Science" Death Machine (1995).

All in all it was a glorious campy night. This years crowd was bigger than last years AND they had us in a larger ballroom to boot!