Because Everybody Is Entitled To My Opinion

"O LORD, revive thy work in the midst of the years, . . . in wrath remember mercy" (Habakkuk 3:2).
"Wilt thou not revive us again: that thy people may rejoice in thee?" (Psalm 85:6)

Monday, May 16, 2005

Headlines for Monday 5/16/2005

165 Pets Taken From Calif. Ex-Mayor's Home
Ex-Mayor claims she thought undocumented pets were in home legally

Minister's wife desperately seeking Madonna?
"Meeting her would be Just Like A Prayer", says wife, "I just hope Papa Don't Preach to this Material Girl

Silent 'Piano Man' poses beach riddle
Why does no one starve at the beach? Because of all the sand which is there

Twins Seeing Double Once Again
Bush says he'll take keys to the liquor cabinet next time he leaves country

Belief in sex-mad demon tests nerves
Hilary says Bill is a legend in his own mind, get over him people!

Cook killed in sword attack at hospital
Famed sea captain originally thought killed in Hawaii in skirmish with natives

Banned bun-snatching ritual revived
J-Lo hires extra security to guard her assests

Rock megastars Rolling Stones announce world tour
Fans learn that "Start Me Up" is not the opening number but a medical procedure to get the aging rockers going before each show

Does a New Drug Cure Cancer?:
Yes. (side effects include; swelling of the face, fingers, feet, and/or lower legs; severe stomach pain; bad breath; black, tarry stools, and/or vomiting of blood or material that looks like coffee grounds; headaches; backaches; numbness in arms and legs; tingling in toes and fingers; loss of hearing; blurred vision; loss of appetite; loss of balance; unusual weight gain; and/or skin rash; reduced sex drive; head exploding; sudden unexplained death)

Check out the other members of the Impossible Headlines Mission Force. basil, moehawk and Moe. And remember should any member of your headline force be caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.

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