Headlines for Friday 7-07-2006

'Superman' Tops Box-Office Over Weekend
In a single bound...

'Sopranos' Contracts Went Down to Wire
They finally found someone who would whack the whole family.

Experts debate whether children should be called obese
The politically correct term is "mass absorbent".

Taylor Hicks Anxious to Ride Tour Bus
Says its not that different from riding the short bus.

Experts debate whether children should be called obese
God forbid parents damage the little porkers' self esteem.

Study: Sexual orientation of men determined before birth
Study surveyed 2000 fetuses about their sexual preferences.

Puush for simpler speling perzists
Evr ben in a chatrum?

Jailed Mafia boss to have in-vitro baby
You don't normally think of conception when you hear about mobsters whacking somebody.

Fla. Man Wrongly Fined for Feeding Squirrels
He was feeding them to his dog.

Monkey on the Run in Virginia
Micky Dolenz still eludes police.

Deer gets inside house, attacks Ohio woman
"When Animals Attack!"

Woman Accused of Attack With Dead Puppy
"When Dead Animals Attack!"

Montana City Deploys Goats to Eat Weeds
"When Animals Snack"

Officials criticize 'Hooters for Neuters'
Organizers say event does not degrade women. Plan to exhibit topless owls.

Woman gets severed finger in the mail
She simply has to do nothing and her credit card will be charged $19.95. Then other fingers will be sent risk free to try for 30 days. Cancel anytime.

N.D. Woman Catches Piranha in Reservoir
She used a finger she got in the mail as bait.

Teens hang dead opossum from overpass
It wasn't dead it was just.. playing.. ah never mind. Too obvious.


That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog
Lyn at Bloggin Outloud


Linky Business
Friday Celebration Open Post & Trackbacks at Bloggin Outloud

Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things about DANE BRAMAGE Here are 13 things about me that may or may not be true. Can you guess which ones are true? My middle name is Dane As a high school freshman I was voted Best Guy In Class and never knew I was nominated until I won There are six cats and a dog living in my basement I attended Carnegie Mellon University (but never finished) I have a cousin who won two grammy awards Ed Asner and Maureen Stapleton filmed a movie at my high school I met Jesse Owens at the first Revco Cleveland Marathon I have been to all four coasts of this great country At one time I really wanted to visit the Planet of Bouncy Mary-Lou Retton Clones I have never been arrested The musical performers I have seen live the most are The Manhatten Transfer and Gladys Knight and the Pips I was a jock in high school and league champion in discus While out witnessing for Christ, a man answered the door pointing an assault rifle (I still invited him to church) So what do you think? Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Origins 2006 Recap

You know how they say that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions? Well that road is a little smoother with the new bricks I put in over the weekend. I intended to blog everyday from the convention but I didn't. I didn't for two reasons.
First; the free Wi-Fi in the hotel room was inaccessible more than accessible and I couldn't get a signal most nights.
Second; I got back to my room late each night and could only muster enough strength to climb into bed strap on the bipap mask and drift off to dreamland.

So I decided I would write my post on Monday once I got home. Another brick for the road to Hell. Here it is Tuesday and I just resized my pictures. So while it is late I am still going to tell you about the Origins Game Fair for 2006. I apologize in advance for the length of the post. I have made long post in the past but was able to fold most of it away so as not to take up a lot of space on the main page. But the little folding trick I used doesn't work anymore and I haven't figured out why.

Overall Impression

I had the best time this year at Origins. I can't remember when I enjoyed a convention as much as this one. It ran very smoothly and was very organized. That's important because some of the previous shows have been characterized as frenetic chaos. All the events I signed up to participate in went off as scheduled except for one. Even then they gave me a refund without a hassle.


My only complaint was that my friends who showed up for just Saturday got extra swag in their goody bags. What up with that?

Dealers Room

There were a lot of dealers this year and while the room was smaller it was still jammed packed. There was something there for everybody. Aside from the various game companies present, there was a lot of places to by specialty clothing,



jewelry and even weapons (swords not guns).


If someone hadn't reminded me I wouldn't have noticed that Wizards of the Coast wasn't there. A falling out with GAMA perhaps?

Events

Pokemon is alive and well. The National Championships were held at Origins.

It looks like one escaped! So much for "Gotta Catch 'Em All".


Tournaments for all kinds of games are held here every year for every conceivable game.


Collectible card games, board games, miniatures, Role playing games, poker, Monopoly, you name it there was an event or a tournament for it. If I am not mistaken, this year set a record for the number of events scheduled.

The Smithee Awards

This year was a lot of fun. Here is the host himself Brian "Mr. Smithee" Cassidy.


There were some horrendously bad films nominated this year. Scenes from 41 different films were viewed. Notables were satanic slicer film Satan's Little Helper, dinosaur disaster flick Carnasaur, blacksploitation classic Slaughter, the lesbian serial killer camping tripMake a Wish and cheesy effects slopfestThe Alien Factor The Overall winner was a film about luchadors, aliens, and some nude bimbo. The Guns of El Chupacobra was voted worst picture this year. I do not recommend it for anyone. And I don't see why the Smithkateers had to show so much of the naked woman. There's 10 minutes I never get back. The downside is, that because this stinkfest won this year, it will be back next year for the MegaMeta Smithee Awards which pits the last five years winners against each other. Yuck.

I really did have a great time this year at Origins. I am already planning for next year.


Now to catch up on my sleep. I need a vacation to recover from my vacation.

Origins Day One

Actually it is day two because I got down here yesterday and played more games yesterday (before the official start of the game fair) than I did during all of last year. I know, I know, last year I had some systemic infection and spent the first three nights and two days in feverish sleep and I didn't have much time for anything else. Hmmm. Maybe I'm making up for the games I had to miss (after I had already paid for them).

Anyway I am having a bona fide blast. So far it has been card games. Blender Munchkin (that's where you mix all the different versions of Munchkin together) lasted three hours. Ninja Burger the card game lasted one and a half hours. Hex Hex ran two and a half hours and I won a tee shirt. (It says "I was victorious with Rogue Judges ...but all I got was this gratuitous product placement") It is even in my size! Woo Hoo!

Tomorrow I have three events (roughly 8 hours of playing time) scheduled. Looking forward to it. I only wish more of my friends could have made it. There was a time when six or eight of us would carpool to a convention like this. We'd cram into one room and see how long we could go without sleep the whole weekend. Good times, good times. But now it seems that everyone is too busy. I came down with one friend. I ran into another guy who could only stay today. Oh well. I will just have to have fun for the rest of them.

More tomorrow with pictures.

REPOST: Smithee Awards

Well I am going on vacation starting Wednesday. I will be headed to the state capitol for the Origins Game Fair again. While I am there I will be attending the Smithee Awards. Here is a repost of my article on the Smithees. Enjoy. I'll be blogging from Columbus providd I do catch any more life threatening infections like last year.

And the Award for Stupidest Looking Monster Goes To...

You won't find that category at the Oscars but there is an wards show that does honor the best of the worst movies ever made. I am talking about the Smithee Awards. It has all the pageantry of the Academy awards with the added bonuses of no acceptance speeches and the films actually are ones you may have seen. I know, I have attended the Smithee awards now for more than a decade. That includes a MegaMetaSmithee awards show too! But more on that later. Let's start with What are the Smithee Awards. From their FAQ:

The Smithee Awards, or "Smithees," is an annual ceremony which celebrates Bad Cinema. In principle, it's sort of the Anti-Oscars, though in practice it's more like the Anti-People's-Choice-Awards. A number of films are so "honored" each year, and there are nineteen categories in which a movie might win.

Some distinguishing characteristics to help you get the flavor of things: We limit ourselves to titles available on home video, and year-of-release is irrelevant. We clip the films for you; this means you're not forced to watch the whole movie, only the best bits. There are five clips per category, during which we tend to withhold comment and allow the film to speak for itself (though an occasional gut-reaction may slip out). Oh, and the voting audience, not we, are the final arbiters as to who takes the prize (so there can be no possibility of anything being rigged).

Not many people actually get a statuette, since thus far only two have claimed their Smithee. Can't imagine why.

The two in question were Walter Koenig of Star Trek/Babylon 5 fame and Jeff Conaway of Taxi/Babylon 5 fame. When I said there were no acceptance speeches at the Smithees, I was being honest. Conaway however was a good sport and agreed to be a "Guest of Honor" and talked to the audience. Koenig took the trophy and bailed as fast as he could. Here is why they were honored; from an email from Host/Fearless Leader: Bryan Cassidy (a.k.a. Allen Smithee):

Glad you enjoy the Smithees. Jeff received his award in the “WHAT?!” category for his work in the film A Time To Die, starring Traci Lords. His speech about the giant turd was actually in reference to a gag gift he and his fellow cast members once gave to a hard-drinking director of theirs. The Smithee Award statuettes themselves are actually deceptively handsome: A golden trashcan on a square base, with a strip of film wound around it emblazoned with the word “Smithee Award.”

Walter got his award for Moontrap, yes, in the Worst Cover Copy category, though he was nominated for Worst Acting, too (we didn’t tell him that part, since he was reluctant to accept even the WCC award).

To date, no other actor has graced us with their presence at a Smithee Awards ceremony with the sole exception of Kenny Baker, who entered with his wife, took one look around, and walked right out. We’re so proud.

So where are these awards held that such luminaries as Koenig, Conaway and Baker just stroll in and out? And Why is it called the Smithees? Well to answer the second question first I return to the FAQ:

Where did you get such a weird name?
The name "Allen Smithee" (various spellings) has been the film-industry standard pseudonym used in the credits for any director who wishes to have his name disassociated from a movie. This is done usually because the film has either strayed too much from the director's original vision, or because he suddenly realizes that his vision just plain stinks. In 1992, when Bryan Cassidy, with the help of Greg Pearson, came up with the idea for an awards ceremony glorifying Bad Movies, "The Smithee Awards" seemed truly appropriate.

Recent developments in Hollywood have spread the rumor that since the name "Allen Smithee" has become too well-known, it will be retired. Nonsense! Even if the name itself becomes less widely used, Mr. Smithee will simply assume a new one -- the spirit which Allen Smithee stands for will never die! Wherever a ghost writer pens a mediocre memoir, he'll be there. Wherever a comedian forgets a punchline, he'll be there. After the apocalypse, when the last light bulb in the last camera has burnt out and we have all reverted to cavepeople, he'll be there whenever someone smudges the yak blood on the painting they were doing... Actually, I forgot exactly where I was going with this, but you get the idea.

Now where do the awards take place? Columbus Ohio. The Smithee Awards are part of the Origins International Game Expo, this year held June 29 - July 2. The awards are held Saturday Night at 7:00pm. And for the past few years it has been standing room only. The Game Expo which is hosted by GAMA (Game Manufacturers Association) has had many Sci-fi and Fantasy film stars as Special Guests over the years.

I always make it a point to attend the Smithees. It has been a blast each time and it gets better every year. There are 19 categories and 5 nominees in each category. The audience votes and the winners announced. The rest as they say is history.
The categories are

Most Ludicrous Premise
Oblivious
"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
"Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"
"Alas, Poor Yorick"
Deus Ex Machina
Stupidest-Looking Monster
Worst Science
Best One-Liner
Worst Cover Copy
"Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"
Inane Dialogue
"Whoops!"
"WHAT?!"
Acting Appropriately Stupid
Worst Special Effect
Crummiest Ending
Worst Acting
Worst Picture

Now as if this weren't enough, every six years, the winners of the previous five years in each category are pitted against each other in the MegaMetaSmithee Awards. There have been two so far. The Smithees have been around since 1992. You can find a list of all the winners at their web site.

And of course I always have a complaint about something. The Smithees are generally family friendly. Occasionally a clip will have bad language but Bryan is always careful to announce it before hand. That leaves the one category, "Let's up the Rating to "R". It is for that gratuitous nude scene which has no other purpose in the film except to get an R rating. Personally I could do without the entire category but it is part of what makes bad movies bad. Like I said Bryan does give plenty of warning and gives parents time to get the kids out of the room.

Other than that I thoroughly enjoy the Smithee awards. I make it a habit to attend every year. I tell everyone I know about it and now I've told you! If you are in Columbus for the 4th of July Weekend, stop in!

Where I Was or What I Did to Their Summer Vacation Part Two

Okay I mentioned the prizes and showed you the pictures. Now a little more about the program. Every day for 4 days the kids had listened to two Bible messages. They were also given 1 hour to do crafts (younger kids) or watch skits and play games (teens). They then had one hour to eat and ride the go-karts and play video games. We rented a tent. I was big enough to hold half of our go-kart course, the concession stand, a platform with a pulpit and the bleachers.

Part of the course was set up outside in such a way that if needed we could run the karts just on the inside if it rained.

All the racing flags were donated.

The kids spent their time in the tent according to shifts. The 6 - 12 year olds stayed in the tent to hear their second message.

While we didn't get the number of teenagers we looking for, we did have more kids than we did last year. Growth is a good thing. My duties, aside from transportation responsibilities as a Bus Captain included skit acting. Thankfully there are no pictures of me as Wonton Fooey and I think they neglected to record my rendition of "All My Children" meets "West Side Story". Beyond that I was on crowd control and a teacher's helper. I was glad I wasn't designated a "Baptism Floater". I'm not sure how we were suppose to take that title but I kept envisioning some hapless church member face down in the baptistery.

And just so you don't think crowd control was easy, imagine Tuesday, over 200 kids ages 4-12, hopped up on nachos and orange drink. Two police cruisers from the Brimfield Police Department just outside the tent. It was nearly impossible but we got all the kids out and in a nice group to watch the officers turn on the lights and sirens. Then one officer said over his loud speaker: "Hey kids, come on over and look inside the car."

Rookies. It was like standing in front of a heard of gazelle being chased by a cheetah. I was literally peeling kids off the car windows. The fingerprints were so thick you couldn't see inside the cruiser. I yelled until I was hoarse, "Go to your classroom". The reply was the same from every kid: "I didn't get to see the guns!"

After the flood of micro humanity receded there were two cops standing next to the cruiser wondering how a thirty pound body pulled a side view mirror off the car. Rookies. The Brimfield Fire Department had the right idea the day before. Keep the kids a good distance from the engine and fire the water cannon at them.



Wednesday the Brimfield Rescue unit came and talked to the kids. I wondered if the Coroner was going to put in an appearance on Thursday, but that's just how my mind works.

After it was said and done we had over 130 decisions for Christ and had baptized 112 kids and teens (we baptized 55 on Tuesday which may be a church record for most baptisms in a day.) In the end that is what is important.

Where I Was or What I Did to Their Summer Vacation

Okay I told you real life got intense and here is where I spent a great deal of time, both in preparation and execution.


With school scarcely out, we decided to host the biggest Vacation Bible School in the area this week. We called it The Heritage 500, after our church, Heritage Baptist Church. We held classes and activities for four days from 3:00pm until 8:00pm (we the workers had to be there earlier and didn't get home afterwards until much later) Here are the busses from Monday bringing kids to our little country church in Magadore Village Ohio. Some of you are familiar with Northeast Ohio and will recognize the communities.

We reach Akron, Barberton, Kent, Revenna, and we have two busses that come from Canton. I am a Bus Captain (I drive a van since I lack a CDL) So I took two days of vacation to work 4 afternoons at VBS. Here's another shot of the busses.

More beneath the fold.

We chose a racing theme and taught messages all week about being in God's race. We wanted to attract as many teenagers as we possibly could. So we offered a prize.

This prize ('95 Firebird with T tops) comes with Drivers Ed donated by one of our sponsors and will be given away Sunday night after our annual Teen Rally. Teens 13-18 years old are eligible to win. I would love to say that we had so many teens we didn't know what to do with them but the car did not turn out to be as great a draw as we hoped.

Speaking of sponsors, Valvoline was more than happy to lend us this guy. He stands taller than our fellowship hall.

Other sponsors include Pepsi and McDonalds.

So as not to forget the little kids, we had a race oriented prize for them too. A brand new Go-kart.

Kids 4-12 years old were eleigible. We held the drawing Thursday. One lucky kid will get his go-kart delivered Saturday.

We also had a prize for one of the adults who attended our Wednesday night service during VBS.

Again you would think that a free car would pack them in but the parents we were trying to reach stayed away in droves. One lucky woman took home the Villager after the service.

I have more pictures and more to tell you but I am very tired. So there will be a part two.

UPDATE Crud. It looks like the "folding" technology i once employed no longer works. I will have to find a fix for it.

Is This Weird or What

Click on this link. It is today’s For Better or For Worse strip.   Now tell me what you notice.

Last Funny Video For Awhile... Promise!

Star Trek 2.0 is not all that great. It reruns ST:TOS (That's Star Trek: The Original Series for those who don't know Trekker shorthand) but it shares trivia and shows live chat during the episode. What is really great are these adds for them on G4. This one almost made me ruin my keyboard with Coke (and not because of Mentos). Enjoy. Then back to some serious stuff. Promise.

Friday Miscellany

Some Words of Wisdom

• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.


• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


• Never miss a good chance to shut up.


• Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
  

Some Words of Not So Much Wisdom

• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


• I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."


• Friday night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.


• According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.


• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"


• There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.


• There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.


• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...
  The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.



• What do you call a fish with no eyes?
  A fsh.

Take Two Punchlines and Call Me In the Morning

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."