Headlines For Friday 1-29-2010

1. Leader slaughters goats to ward off evil?
Obama's efforts failed as McCain-Feingold is overturned, Scott Brown is elected, and Health reform is killed.
2. German pensioner torches car battling frost
Insert your own joke about a Hot Rod here...
3. Prisoners dance for Jackson DVD
When asked to comment the late entertainer said "Brains....BRAAAAIIIINS......!
4. Pope John Paul II Whipped Himself as Act of Penance, Book Claims
Book also says pontiff handcuffed himself and was fond of latex clothing.
5. Alien Life Could Already Be on Earth, Say Scientists
Obama reassures world that Pelosi was born here.

6. Cops stop cyclist with butcher knife-pool cue axe
Police come under fire for using non-standard law enforcement weapons.
7. Jury considers if Kansas abortion slaying was murder
Why does no one consider if Abortion is murder?
8. Health Bill 'On Life Support' After Obama Appeal
Republicans ask that the bill be given the same treatment the average American would receive under the bill and pull the plug!

9. Bin Laden Blames U.S. for Global Warming in New Tape
Claims he wants to destroy America to save the polar bears
10. Pa. woman manages to crash car into her own home
A remarkable accomplishment since she was aiming for the neighbors house

That's all for now. Check back again for more headliney goodness.

Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines For Thursday 1-21-2009

Bush Family to Leave Many Treasured Items Inside White House
First Lady Obama trying to find a fence

Obama Chic in Tough Times: How to Decorate the White House on a Budget
Couple will build a table from Cinder blocks and an old door

Officials: U.S. Intercepts Iranian Arms-Smuggling Ship
Smugglers hoped Cynthia McKinney figurehead would keep officials away

Clinically Depressed Poodle Mauls Former French President Chirac
"I should of known something was wrong when Sumo stopped caring about how she looked and would start crying for no reason," said Jaques.

Microsoft to Ax 5,000 Jobs, Reports 11 Percent Loss in 2Q Profit
Software giant plans to issue first 2000 Pink Slips of Death next month. Plans to revoke workers network access and prevent them from logging in were dumped as this behavior is indistinguishable from normal Windows operations.

Obama Getting Super-Secure BlackBerry
Now he can lose a VERY expensive phone in the bathroom.

Annual Mormon-theme film festival opens in Utah
Promoters are ecstatic! This year someone actually made a Mormon-themed film.

NC campus cops arrest student in snowball melee
Riot police were deployed with ice shields and rubber snow balls to contain the crowd



Maker swears Sasha, Malia dolls not Obama-related
These are dolls of a completely different and unrelated Sasha and Malia

Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Wednesday 4-23-2008

Hasselhoff in LA hospital for surgery above eye
The Hoff lost part of his brain in divorce settlement

Nicole Kidman urges fight to end violence against women
Suggests Global groin shot for peace

Florez wows crowd at Met with 18 high Cs
Crowd awe struck by fruit juice drinking, Florez vows to use Hawaiian Punch next time

Restaurants seek to block NYC calories-on-menus regulation
Want to keep calories in the food where they belong



Rice says Carter was warned against meeting with Hamas
Carter charged with Lite Treason and sentenced to 444 days in a mid east country

Is that Miley Cyrus flashing her bra on the Web?
Showing the best of both boobs while causing a pain in her dad's achy breaky heart

Olympic torch arrives in Australia, quickly whisked away
Was given new identity in Torch Protection Program to avoid protesters

Mom's diet may play role in whether baby is boy or girl
Most find this hard to swallow

Israel says Streisand won't attend 60th anniversary bash
Babs uncomfortable with countries younger than she is.

Hawking: Unintelligent life is likely on other planets
We certainly have an overabundance here on Earth in the Democratic Party.

Critics damn 'Gone With the Wind' musical
The "I Don't Know Nuthin' 'Bout Birthin' No Babies" disco dance number was too over the top.



Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Wednesday 2-20-2008

Fidel Castro Resigns As Cuba's President
Plans to sneak a boat and retire in Miami




Church Urges Hanky Panky Among Members
Also urges coveting and baring false witness as they promote Revised Commandments Day

Stolen Stash of Stuffing Secured
Drastic Dressing Drama is Developing

Colo. couple swindles Girl Scouts with fake bill
Girl Scout spokesman say "They sure looked like ducks

Blow-Up Doll Stands in for Groom
Usually it is the bride that's the blow up doll

Ohio Couples Have White (Castle) Wedding
Well White Castle is affiliated with Churches




Clinton Says Obama Relies on 'Words'
Whereas Clinton relies on wild hand gestures

Pregnant Woman Accused of Assault at Bar
Who would expect such behavior from a bar patron?

Star Trek release pushed back to 2009
Having problems boldly going where we've all been before

Underwear on the Face Didn't Fool Anyone
CSI identified suspect by skid marks

Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Monday 01-28-2008

Burglar steals crown from bishop's car
Bishop's dentist says he's working on replacement crown

Library Gets Book Back After 57 Years
Then promptly burns it because it mentions God's influence on the founding fathers

Clinton’s Campaign Sees Value in Keeping Former President in Attack Mode
They're determined to see Monica Lewinski's ex-boyfriend's wife as President

Cops: Ind. robber mistakenly shoots self in groin
Police warn when commiting robbery don't go off half-cocked

Producers reveal title of new James Bond
Sean Connery returns as Oldfinger




Miss America crowned at racier pageant
Contestants battled fiercely during new pole dancing competition

Three Pigs Story Judged Offensive to Muslims
In the Islamic version the wolf huffs and puffs and blows himself up.

Commentary: Issues -- not gender or race -- on minds of voters
Campaigns seek to avoid confusion on Clinton's gender and race

Producers reveal title of new James Bond
Roger Moore returns as Octogenarianpussy

Future Chefs Learn How to Cut Trans Fat
Use same carving technique to cut the cheese

Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Monday 01/14/2008

Boxing Day Swimmers Plunge Into Sub-zero Water
Enjoying the Boxing Day miracle that prevents sub-zero water from becoming ice

Clinton, Obama Clash Over Race Issue
Democrats torn over which of their two black candidates to support

Cate Edwards Unharmed in Car Accident
Husband John unavailable for comments as he ran off after the ambulance

Chicken Doo Doo Mucks Up Iowa Road
Still don't know why chickens cross the road but we now know what they do while doing it

24-foot snake staying at Columbus Zoo
A 24-foot snake can stay anywhere it wants

Body found with rake stuck in head
Victim fell out of the tree raking leaves



Parents snort as school enforces pig rearing
Parents want to go back to child rearing

Wind damages historic Buffalo tavern
Now Buffaloes have nowhere to go for a drink and hot wings

Twins unwittingly got married in Britain
Has happened before but this is first time for conjoined twins

Bank robber uses drywall for disguise
Posing as a living room failed to fool authorities

Man goes out window with Christmas tree
First recorded case of man and plant eloping


Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Friday 12-14-2007

New York City Pays $29,000 for Arresting Topless Womwen
City is flodded with applicants for arresting job.

South Dakota Town May Rename Hooker St.
Residents look forward to living on Skanky Ho Boulevard

Girl Scout gets coveted award 69 years late
Earns final badge by helping herself across the street



Court orders cartoon characters to witness stand
Warner Brothers announces new legal drama "Fudd for the Defense"

Early care helps frozen shoulder
Treatment should begin in the Cold Shoulder phase

Blaine Fears New Stunt will Leave him Brain Damaged
Little did he suspect his idiotic Headline would leave him Dane Bramaged

Pink Floyd Wishes Led Zeppelin Luck
Says life is scary outside the nursing home

Scott Baio Is ... No Longer Single
I guess somebody else loves Chachi too

Sutherland Starts Prison Sentence
Also shoots new reality show called "48"

Huge Newfound Part of Milky Way Rotates Backward
Mars Inc. says it will use the same technique for Snickers, 3 Musketeers and their other candy bars.



Paris Hilton Is Looking for 'A Nice Boy'
She'll be out of luck if she finds one who wants 'A Nice Girl'.

Headlines for Tuesday 11-20-07

Woman Wins Sears Tower Race for 6th Time
Tower says it will train harder. Hopes to actually move next year.

'Mr. Toilet' Builds Commode-Shaped House
No one wants to come over and sit in his pool

Homeless man uses church phone to call sex hot line
Bigger surprise is the nuns who answered the phone

UK Fat Patients Claim Discrimination
Despite snub Micheal Moore still claims it's better than US health care

Food makers pressured to cut sodium
Dairy producers pressured to cut cheese

Firemen told to abstain from sexual bribes
Asked to return to more traditional money only bribes



Stomach virus races through cruise ship passengers
It got really crowded on the poop deck

CBS news writers give OK for strike call
Now who's going to make up the news?

Experts promote the global warming diet

1. Eat nothing but beans for seven days
2. Seal yourself inside airtight plastic bubble
3. Produce greenhouse gases until you polar regions melt

5 Million Pizzas Recalled on E. coli Fears
Get it back to Dominos in 30 minutes or less or you have to keep it.

Giuliani Promotes Virtual Fence
Fence blocks 100% of illegal aliens from World of Warcraft. Mexicans still get in.




Alabama woman turns 100, gets her diploma
Says; "I had to take P.E. over 87 times but I finally got that last credit"

Burglar drives into store, snatches TVs
Gets home, realizes nothing is on because of the writer's strike, returns them all

Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Wednesday 10-31-2007

Wiccan Lottery Winner to Open Witch School
You don't want to get an 'F' in Spelling in this school.

Ex-Idol still shocked by success
I didn't know there that many shopping malls to open

Strike threatens Hollywood; reality shows loom
More reality shows is a threat to viewers

Shatner: How come I'm not in new 'Star Trek'?
Producers: There aren't enough curtains in this film for you to chew



Edwards shifts focus to integrity
He thought he'd give something new a try

Prostitutes sew lips together in protest
The hookers made no comment on the success of their strike

Coach Accused of Exposing Buttocks
Apologizes for his cheeky move and hopes not to set a bad example

Police Catch Burglar With His Pants Down
Says he was inspired by his coach

Baby Giraffe Named in Honor of Red Sox
'Colorado Crusher' is doing well.



Fiat found with 2 cows, 2 goats squeezed inside
Strangest double date ever seen at Lovers Lane
Technorati tag: Humor  Headlines

Headlines for Friday 10-26-2007

Iraqis Try to Defuse Tension With Turkey
If tensions continue, will add stuffing and cranberry sauce

Pair Get Hitched at Ohio Haunted House
Couple plan to honeymoon in Ohio Scary Senate

You can have a personal chef
Most people just call her Mom

Ghosts, Vacuums and Other Childhood Terrors
And yet I have never seen a child dress as a Hoover Upright for Halloween

Dumbledore is gay, 'Harry Potter' author reveals
That would explain his expertise in fairy magic

Britney Spears avoids hit-and-run trial
Still has to deal with Hit-and Run marriage consequences

Critics blast 'namby-pamby' obesity ads
Tougher ads in future will ask "Are you so fat that you have your own zip code? Do smaller fatsos orbit you? When you go to a restaurant do they give you an estimate instead of a menu? You could have a weight problem Lardo!"

Winehouse held for drug possession
They tried to make her go to rehab but she said "No No No..."

Wildfires Bring Serious Health Dangers
Being burnt to a crisp being the biggest

Giuliani: I could end illegal immigration in three years
Bold plan requires annexation of Canada and Mexico

That's it for this edition of Headlines. Stay tuned for more headliney goodness!
Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Tuesday 10/09/2007

Purpose of appendix believed found
Many believe it to hold supplementary material stored at the end of a piece of writing

Eat your food, get your money back
Diners preferred this to the "Get your food back" offer

Experts: Brain-Eating Amoeba Doesn't Pose Health Risk
Well not to Democrats anyway



Pulled over by an F-16
Now thats going really fast

New Prototype Phone Gives Fitness Check
The organ it is most concerned with is your wallet

Wedlock: Cops seize couple that robbed bank to marry
Vows to include "In Sickness and in Jail"


Customs find beetles stuffed with cocaine
Smoking these roaches would really get you high

Man Jailed for Trying to Pass $1M Bill
He failed to notice the sign that said "We do not accept bills greater than $500000"

Man wins contest with 1,524-lb. pumpkin
Immediately sold shell as wife housing to a Mr. Peter Pumpkin-Eater

Sculptor's crack baffles art world
But most agree it is better than looking at plumber's crack

That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog
Technorati tag: Humor Headlines

Headlines for Wednesday 10-3-07

Study finds human-robot attachment
For an extra $50 study will find an attachment that vibrates

Asteroid Named for `Star Trek' Actor Takei
Sulu hopes his 'roid will probe Uranus

10,000 Wildebeest Die in Mass Drowning
Kenya announces surplus of 1 million cans of wildebeest soup



Woman gives birth to own grandchildren
Kentucky woman and her husband/father/uncle plan to take kids home soon.

Naked Man Holds Up Mini Mart
Suspect fled in shame when clerk was unimpressed with his weapon

Rice drops by Harlem school, encourages students to excel
The Secretary of State immediately came under attack by Jesse Jackson who accused her of acting black


Sheriff offers to marry fugitives
Worried county officials urge lonely sheriff to date people other than fugitives

Philippine Officials Find 'Spider' Mail
With eight legs it is hoped new service will be faster than snail mail

Jimmy Carter Faces Down Darfur Officials
So he grows a spine 28 years too late


Driven People May Avoid Alzheimer's
Miss Daisy is fine but poor old Hoke can't remember who she is


That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog
Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines 9-28-07

O.J. Simpson Arrested in Probe
I'm glad he finally got rid of that Bronco.

Firefighters save donkey trapped in well
Success came after several failed attempts by Democrats to rescue their mascot. Seems they couldn't tell their ass from a hole in the ground.

Mourners attend Marceau funeral
Six mime pallbearers lowered the mime casket with a mime rope

Snoop Dogg pleads guilty to weapons charge
Will spead time in the Big Hiz-zouse fo shizzle

Cities try to shut FEMA trailer parks
Many fear Bush's Katrina-making weather control powers might whip up a tornado to wipe them out

Man Hits Wife in Head With an Onion
She was the first to be beaned with a vadalia

'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' comes to PCs
If the answer is no then chances are you're too dumb to use the computer

Taser use on teen justified, officials say
Taser sales skyrocket as parents welcome news

Fordham coed sues over bedbugs in hotel dorm
School insists all students were given "Good night, Sleep tight" instructions at orientation

NASA to launch telescope in 2011 for black hole search
Maybe they can find the one the liberals in Congress keep dumping my tax dollars into


That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog
Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Monday 6/18/2007

3 Million in Japan Have Mental Illness
The majority suffer from a fear of giant radioactive lizards

Pentagon May Drop Mental Health Question
Three Million Japanese apply for security positions

Romney Says He Wants 'Big Stick'
Opening the door for millions of emails peddling stick enhancement products

Toddler Served Margarita in a Sippy Cup
Another typical holiday outing at the Kennedy Family Compound

L.A. Hospital Outlines Response to Death
Dead people are instructed not to move, speak or otherwise interact with the living. Decomposing is allowed.

30 Percent of Cubans Are Overweight
Richard Simmons boards plane for Havana

Soldiers revisit Iraq in virtual reality
Democrats hopeful that new technology will limit U.S. to invading virtual nations

Cucumber-Flavored Soda Sold in Japan
Pepsi says they can sell at least 3 million bottles

Some See Dead Mayor's Likeness in Tree
Like most Democrats he's hard to distinguish from the other nuts up there

Ronald McDonald statue turns up missing
There are no McLeads to the identites of the McPerps


That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog
Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Wednesday 6/06/2007

Spinal Tap returns July 7 for a cause
Mock band raises awareness of a mock cause

Experts: Katrina Death Toll Still Rising
And will continue to rise as long as Democrats can milk it as an issue

WHO: Chinese soldier dies of bird flu
Superiors ignored mans complaints of feeling peckish that morning

Obama warns of 'quiet riot' among blacks
New campaign strategy is to threaten potential voters with has-been hair bands

Edward's Wife Likens Husband to Helms
Yeah he does remind me of Dean Martin in those goofy spy flicks
BONUS: The above link changed in mind stream. I guess They didn't like the comparison so instead the current headline reads...
Edwards campaigns with actor Glover
The two are remaking the film classic "Dumb and Dumberer

Whales Swim to Sacremento, 50 Miles from Ocean
Swimming thought to have been tougher for them over the land

Bush: Russia Shouldn't Fear U.S. Defense
Nobody else does anymore

Indiana Kangaroo Dies After Capture
Zoologists say the end was expected once the animal was removed from the Hoosier Outback

Man Says He Captured Loch Ness on Film
And for $19.99 the "Monsters Gone Wild" video is yours

Study Finds Cocaine, Pot in Rome's Air
Effects are neutralized by that Black and White Pope-choosing smoke

Helmet saves man when truck runs over his head - CNN.com
Head is doing well, the rest of the body is mush though

That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog
Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Wednesday 5/23/2007

Man Brandishing Torch Robs Alaska Bank
Gets away with cold cash

Pittsburgh Man Accused Of Mailing Kitten Head To Ex-Girlfriend Ordered To Stand Trial
Man swears ex needed head for Hello Kitty collection

Dog With College Degree Called To Court
Dog and prosecutor settle on a flea bargain

Teens Accused Of Making Ostrich Impotent
Because sticking your head in the ground alone wouldn't do it

Queen Tours Goddard Space Flight Center
80's Mega band hopes to catch a glimpse of Mercury

Dem Leaders Brief Party on New Iraq Plan
New Democratic direction in Iraq policy is to RUN then CUT

Ex-Coke Secretary Sentenced to 8 Years
A slap on the wrist for her involvement with "New Coke"

Wild Turkey Injures School Bus Driver
"No officer I wasn't drinking bourbon, a real wild turkey attacked me!"

Gene Therapy Used to Cure Mice Blindness
Still no way to heal tail damage from carving knife incident

U.N. Seeks Bird Flu Vaccine for Poor
Millions of shots set aside for indigent bird populations

Female Sharks Fertilize Own Eggs
Depressed male sharks start dating dolphins


That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog
Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Friday 5/04/2007

Gunman Prompts Space Center Evacuation
Also prompted bowel evacuation in some employees

McDonald's 1Q Profit Climbs 22 Percent
Waistlines see similar growth

'The Producers' Brings Down the Curtain
I really liked "She Sheila"

Sheryl Crow Ends Global-Warming Tour
Songstress is no one sheet wonder

Democrats Not Backing Down on Iraq
Democrats Determined to cut and run no matter what

Baldwin-Basinger custody dispute resumes
Each struggles to get sole custody of failing careers

Prosecutor: Lock up Paris Hilton for 45 days
Public: Lock her up for 45 years

Clinton Seeks New Iraq War Vote
Kerry announces that he will vote against it before voting for it

Teen Gets Mich. Gov.'s Old Cell Number
"I like winked at this old babe and she like wrote her number on a matchbook and like told me to call her an stuff. Dude! I'm like totally doin the governor!"

3,500 Lbs. of Bat Guano Found in Attic
Bruce Wayne realizes the Bat Attic was a bad idea


That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog
Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Monday 4/09/2007

Comedy Beats Gore on Easter Weekend
Former Vice President and inventor of internet and Global Warming said to be recovering nicely

Sales Halted for Constipation Drug
Demand expected to logjam until pressure forces market flow with liquid assets

Most Americans don't eat smart and exercise, CDC says
Not at the same time anyway

Richardson signs medical marijuana bill
Hippies by the millions descend upon New Mexico complaining of pain

Lasers no permanent fix for many port-wine stains
Researchers suggest less expensive pre-treater for wine stain removal

Coyote Visits Chicago Sandwich Shop
Orders Mesquite Roadrunner Wrap with cole slaw

Deputies Put Toe and Tow Together
Suspect didn't have a leg to stand on

Officials Bar Rabbi's Matzo-Making Bus
Matzo fumes ruled to be a greenhouse gas and contributes to Global Warming

Artist: Many Offers for Chocolate Jesus
Confection has special resurrection feature. It comes back three days after you eat it.

Airline moves dead body to 1st class
Lucky stiff

That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog

Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Wednesday 2/21/2007

Australia to Ban Old-Style Light Bulbs
Lights unnecessary because of all the Dim Bulbs believing in Global Warming

South Africa Finalizes Lion Hunting Laws
Simba to hold a press conference praising the action this afternoon

Kentucky Derby Winner Barbaro Euthanized
Fine career ended with a bang

Brain Harvest Probe Ends Without Charges
With Democrats in office it is a poor crop anyway

Supremes Still Working On School Equality
Diana Ross and company have new jobs

In court: Who will bury Anna Nicole Smith?
Getting 5 bucks from all her baby's daddies would cover several funerals
I know that was mean. You can send me hate email

'Mr. Cooper' actor: I considered suicide
'Mr. Cooper' fans: So did we.

Agreement on Burial of James Brown
Family relieved to finally get him out of the house

Woman allegedly stabs man during sex
Man left trail of alleged blood to hospital where doctors treated his alleged wounds

Teen faces charges for laxative brownies
Lawyers insist charges are unconstipational

Kenny Chesney: I'm not gay
Yeah but Tim Hardaway still don't want you around him

Nude jogger to miss 'liberating feeling'
Will also miss hanging out with friends

That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog

Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines

Headlines for Tuesday 1/23/2007

DiCaprio: I wanted to quit acting after 'Titanic'
Many are waiting for him to start acting

'Idol' judges: We're not meaner
'Idol' contestants: It's OK, we're not smarter

Muslims tired of being the villains on '24'
Spokesman says "What makes you think we behave like that; aside from the news?"

Apple reports record profits
They're laughing all the way to the iBank

Man Survives Fall From 17th Floor
Man plummets to 16th floor and then takes elevator to the ground

Keith Urban out of rehab, ready to tour
Singer is another 12 steps away from Nicole Kidman

Lindsay Lohan checks into rehab
She took Keith Urban's old room

Drought drives snakes to the cities
Snakes prefer drive to flying, afraid of Samuel L. Jackson on plane

Antidepressants May Raise Bone Risk
Now there's a depressing thought

Dinosaur may have resembled the biplane
Aviation museums now display bones of the Fokkersaurus

Pet Shop Owner Creates Beer for Dogs
It is served in toilet shaped mugs

Need boost? Take midday snooze
Medical researchers had dubbed this breakthrough 'A Nap'


That's it for Headlines today. Remember to visit the usual suspects for more "headliney goodness"!
basil at basil's blog

Technorati tag: Humor   Headlines